Posted by Racer on February 23, 2006, at 22:28:11
In reply to What?! » Racer, posted by pseudoname on February 23, 2006, at 18:37:58
> Did I understand you correctly that your T suggested that you should DELIBERATELY NOT get an A?? I'm aghast.
> >
> An A is clearly something that YOU value. That's the important point. Being bullied by a therapist into giving up something that you value (and that has many other broad, healthy benefits) in order to try getting something SHE values (a life without fear?!) is not empowering.
>
> Have I misunderstood her actual suggestion as she made it to you?Here's the thing: I know that I really am obsessive about things, and that the thing about As had a negative impact on me when I was in college the first time, many long years ago. (I'm a little older than GG, a bit younger, I think, than Dinah.) I know that it's a bit much to get the sort of physical clenching I get when I think about not getting an A.
For that matter, I know this: at my age, finishing my degree will not make much difference in terms of me getting a good job. My age is too much against me for that to matter. (Getting a doctorate, that would be a different story, but a BA? Even a BS? Not gonna matter.) So, this is just for personal enrichment of a very different kind. I'm not necessarily even going for a degree, frankly. While I am taking classes that will fill in some gaps for a degree for me, I'm taking them because I am interested in them, or I'm interested in something for which these are the prerequisites.
In other words, the grades don't really matter.
And yet, they matter a very, very great deal to me. We had our first quiz today, in this math class, and I triple checked my answers, to make very sure that every one was right. Because I have this visceral connection to getting *all* As. Back in the "real" days of college for me, I was even told that a cumulative GPA of 4.0 would not help me with anything in life. I was told that grad schools wanted a little less obsessiveness, and a little more extracurricular activity. (Mind you, I worked when I was in school -- thus not finishing, had to withdraw at the end of a semester to take a full time job when my part time job ended. After that, I just couldn't ever manage to have time and money at the same time, largely because this obsessiveness is a trait. I was the 12 hour a day employee, on salary, most of my working life to date.)
Anyway, my T wasn't telling me to throw a grade -- she was talking about easing up. I know that. But I get lost somewhere between the "ease up" and the part about it not being a deep character flaw not to put all of me into what I'm doing. Does that make sense?
I think about not working through all the problems in order to get them all right, and I do start to berate myself, for slacking off.
I think that's what she thinks I'm twisting. Sorry for going on so long, but maybe it gave me new insight. I do tend to think that it's a sign of bad character to do the minimum. (I've said it before -- Calvinism is a form of emotional abuse.)
OK, I'm done now. Sorry for rambling...
poster:Racer
thread:612340
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060211/msgs/612678.html