Posted by fairywings on February 15, 2006, at 0:10:59
I took a huge risk, for me, and asked my T in writing) at my appt. if I was supposed to feel an attachment to him, and told him I do feel attached. It's so hard for me to open up and trust, let alone feel attached. He should know that, he even says I have huge issues with trust.
In my note I told him that before I saw him I wanted to stay objective so I could walk away anytime. (I've been seeing him for 6 months) I didn't want to get attached bec. I was afraid of being hurt....last T was abrasive and I quit after 2 mos.
It's like a parental thing. He's been so warm and understanding. never criticized me, why wouldn't I start to feel attached?
Anyway, there was more to my note, but I felt he babbled on and on and on about one thing that didn't have anything to do with what I was really opening up to him about, but the obvious thing was that it took so much for me to actually say what i said. It just seemed like he was trying so hard not to talk about that one topic, I think he even went off on tangents that bordered on stupid, and I just wanted to get the h*ll out of there. On the way home I was so hurt, I thought it will be much easier than I thought to quit now, I felt betrayed by the trust I thought he'd been trying to build.
My main issue in therapy is not being able to trust.
Now I"m hurt, and mad, and I feel like he avoided my feelings. He said we'll get to the rest of this next week, but I think he was just putting me off. I was going to quit bec. I was so mad, but my husband said you have to go back, at least once more, and give him a chance. He said maybe he took it the wrong way - maybe he thought I was attracted to him or something. I said you know how much trouble I have with trust, you know how hard it is for me to open up to people, I can barely make eye contact with the guy!
Aren't I supposed to be able to talk about how I feel about anything I'm feeling? Why should I do this if I have to hide the way I feel? I"m supposed to be able to trust him.
Should I go back? Would you be mad or hurt? I'm so hurt, I know it will hurt all week, and even more if he avoids this issue next week. I feel like a total idiot for opening up to him bec. I thought building trust was a good thing. I'll never ever trust anyone again! I knew I would never be able to trust anyone, he's no different than anyone in my life (other than my husband).
Sorry to rant again. I know last time I did it sounded completely pathetic, and this is just as pathetic.
fw
poster:fairywings
thread:609658
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060211/msgs/609658.html