Posted by Racer on February 3, 2006, at 2:00:45
Tonight was group therapy, and we got to talking about why a number of us feel as though we will be rejected if we're not good enough. And we talked about emotions, and why we don't feel. Well, I feel these days, which I've decided is worse, but that's another story.
Anyway, other people were talking about not being allowed to feel, and someone asked me if emotions were allowed in my family.
One tenth of a nanosecond later, I was choking, crying, and still trying to tell them what emotions did in my family when I was growing up. I can't say it was cathartic, because I am truly embarrassed by it. "They didn't really want to hear all that, it was too much information, too much exposure, they've got their own problems and I'm trying to drown them in mine." But, it felt like a kind of purging.
Oh, yeah, and I got angry. Someone brought up children, and we were talking about whether we would pass on these disorders to our children. And I said that I would not, because "I would not allow anyone in my family near any child of mine, if they said one f-ing word about weight." I don't swear all that much, although it does happen these days (truly, it never, ever used to happen), but this was by far the most angry I've ever managed to get without grabbing it down again.
(We also talked a bit about things our parents did, and I told about my mother and my weight. And our T asked, "Do you know how cruel that is?" I had to say that I get angry when I think about someone doing it to A child, but that when it's my mother doing it to me, I go into my "she didn't know, she was insecure and it came out that way, she was worried because of her own insecurities," etc. And then I said that all that was probably true, but that I needed to learn to shift my attention to myself -- to be angry on my own behalf, even though this is my mother.)
OK. That's it for tonight. My eyes are buring still from crying. It's good, though, in that it feels so very, very good to be in a room with people who at least partly understand. (I'm the only non-purger in the room, though, which is hard. They talk a lot about things like how they get their binge foods, or how ashamed they are that they purge. I sit there thinking how much I actually LIKE being able to go without eating, to control my urges, all that. I do know that it's the same thing, and I rarely ever tell anyone that I'm anorexic except when an episode is resolved, and I can say I "used to be" anorexic. On the other hand, I am not embarrassed to NOT eat in front of people. In fact, I'm much, much more embarrassed to eat in front of people. I'm afraid I'll eat too much. Doesn't help that my family has been known to talk about how much I can eat. Sure, I can eat a lot -- I have no hunger/satiety mechanism anymore! Ugh. NOW I really am done.)
poster:Racer
thread:605777
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060131/msgs/605777.html