Posted by Tamar on January 26, 2006, at 19:04:30
In reply to I'm so stupid, posted by milly on January 26, 2006, at 16:10:54
> I just catch a glimps of what is possible to have, a changed me, and along comes a situation and I revert to type!
> having only just managed to interact with others again, I opened the door and there on the doorstep was a 'needy' parishoner asking for hubby (he's a minister)Unfortunately hes out and somehow I end up with over 2 hours of this guys problems. I'm hardly coping with myself let alone anyone else.Ah, that’s difficult. Having a minister as a partner must be particularly hard when you have difficulties dealing with people. And two hours is a long time to listen to someone’s woes when you’re not feeling up to it.
> I certainly don't need the intimate sexual details of his failed marriage etc but i couldn't get rid of him and I feel REALLY guilty for wanting to but I'm not in a place where I can cope with this.
I’d say there’s no shame in the feeling of wanting to get rid of him. Your husband is the minister. Unless you’re ordained too, you didn’t choose to listen to the details of people’s lives. You probably haven’t had any training in that kind of listening. One of the most important things in learning how to listen to that sort of stuff is learning how to distance it from your own life, so that you don’t feel too involved. It’s really hard to do that without training, and especially if you’ve been unwell yourself.
> he kept saying how good I was to talk to but he didn't know that i couldn't 'hear' him I was concentrating so hard on not losing it.
> I'm so horribleNo. You’re not horrible. You’re wonderful because despite your misgivings and discomfort you really helped this man. Even if you feel you didn’t hear him because you were concentrating on not losing it. It sounds to me as if he experienced two hours of non-judgemental attention from someone who was willing to sit still and let him talk. It doesn’t matter that you couldn’t hear him; it was a very good experience for him (if not for you). So give yourself credit for helping him, even though it was at enormous cost to yourself.
> Now I'm back to not being able to open the front door or answer the telephone and feeling unsafe in my own home
That’s understandable. If I were in your position I probably wouldn’t open the front door or answer the telephone. And that’s OK too. There’s no law that says you have to open the door. If your husband is a minister, I’d imagine that the best plan is to let him open the door when he’s home and ignore it when he’s not home. It’s extremely important that you feel safe in your own home, and you can gain confidence in dealing with people when you *choose* to go out. When you’re at home, let your husband deal with any callers.
You are a good person. Don’t beat yourself up about this. You are allowed to look after yourself. When you are much better you will feel more inclined to be helpful to strangers who come to your house!
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:603099
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060121/msgs/603142.html