Posted by Susan47 on January 24, 2006, at 23:52:45
Are you a person with a personality disorder?
I think I am. I think I've been fighting with this beast my whole life.
I wish I didn't have to talk about it in those terms. I wish I weren't that person.
I wish what happened with my therapist, which was probably all in my mind (I still wonder about that, about how I could misinterpret so much.. did I? I certainly sound like someone who did) ... I wish I hadn't been so intensely and horribly triggered into expressing this complete personality disorder. I don't know what it was, yet; most likely a mishmash of every disorder known to psychiatry.
I acted it all out, all this horrible angst and showed a complete and utter disrespect for sanity, for the ordered side of myself. The side which Can adapt, the side which Can learn, the side which is wiser from experience.
So much poison was spewed forth; I hurt who knows how many people because I became caught up in my own inner material. I allowed too much, and this poor therapist, he allowed too much too. He just had no idea I was so disordered, I guess. I didn't know, I mean I just didn't know.
I didn't know.
I just honestly had no effing idea I would behave so badly. How does a person know what's going to trigger them into behaving insanely? I guess you know if you're sane. Maybe it's really when you're insane that you don't know. I mean, I didn't know. I knew but I didn't know. It's so strange. I knew I was letting go and acting out, I knew that. I knew I was hurting and embarrassing myself and causing irreparable damage to my relationship with this T. I couldn't stop, I didn't want to, and it got to the point where I didn't particularly care who I was hurting.
I was a monster, I was monstrous and I allowed it. I let it keep happening, and now I see I was so sick with something, but what was it? I mean, how could I walk around so many years knowing something was the matter, something was wrong, but needing to act it all out, all the craziness that was inside me ... and then one day just finding this person who let me go to the nth degree, letting me get away with it .. how did I know he would .. until he didn't? And then when he finally and ultimately wouldn't allow it anymore, I straightened up. I mean, it was crisis majorly, it was a major crisis but I got over it and now I can see this .. person that I was. I don't think I can even ever read any of the things I used to post, because I know how crazy they all sound.
They were, though. That's the thing. They really were crazy, but they weren't dumb. They ignored a lot of truths, but they weren't stupid. The mes that were all in there clamouring to get out. I want only one me to be here, in the end, though. For the next forty years, that would be nice. To live another forty years with just one me.
How do you tell someone how sorry you are about the way you used to be? I don't know. I always knew what I was doing would be permanent. It's terribly sad. Here's this poor person walking around thinking he's helped damage an already damaged person. When she's okay. She just used what was given to her to use. She used it well. She's not resting, yet, but she got over the hump. She thinks. She's pretty sure.
It's so sad, really.
poster:Susan47
thread:602542
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060121/msgs/602542.html