Posted by Tamar on January 13, 2006, at 19:26:42
In reply to More of the same., posted by Racer on January 12, 2006, at 14:57:31
> This has turned into a very bad week. Today I'm mostly lying on the sofa, with a quilt over my head. I just want this to stop.
I am familiar with this mental terrain…
> Anyway, I'm still going over that whole "trauma" thing. Maybe part of the reason I object so strongly is that I hate to see myself as damaged, as pathetic, as incapable. Believe it or not, my image of myself is as someone who is Smart, Capable, Strong, Able, etc. Even during really bad spells like this one, that's still there for me: I still feel as though I *could* do just about anything. Of course, there's a heck of a lot of self-criticism because I don't get things done, since after all I could, but with the whole trauma thing, it turns that on its head. I start to feel as though that image of myself is delusional, that I'm actually pathetic and ineffectual, and that there's no reason to keep trying.
Is there a middle ground? I used to see myself as superhuman until I got diabetic and depressed. So my superpowers got taken away… that doesn’t make me weak or pathetic. I’m just a normal person now, but it’s OK.
Trauma is what occurs when bad things happen to good people. You didn’t deserve it and it didn’t mean you were weak. Suffering is not a sign of weakness. On the contrary; very often the people who suffer most are people with immense depth of character.
Accepting our limitations is very difficult but very necessary for our health. And those limitations aren’t always forever. Perhaps at the moment you aren’t well enough to do ‘just about anything’. If you had a broken leg, you wouldn’t be able to walk just now. But eventually, when you are better, your capabilities will return.
> Maybe that's part of what's going on? I don't know. Right now, I doubt my own insight into myself, so who can say how accurate that is?
>
> And then there's the just plain sick of it all part -- I start remembering all the ways that I've failed, all the bad things that have happened that I could have prevented, all the things I couldn't even begin to know how to handle. And then I feel as though there's no hope for me at all. A lot of that stuff goes back to my academic failure, which is a really hot button for me. I really am smart, and I know that I have Failed To Live Up To My Full Potential. I haven't ever managed to do anything with my intelligence, except be totally [anglo-saxon based verb deleted] up by life. And I think sometimes that if I hadn't been smart, none of this would have affected me so much.Er… correct me if I’m wrong, but haven’t you been living with a serious illness during the time you were ‘failing to live up to your full potential’? Would you give anyone else as hard a time as you’re giving yourself? Being smart doesn’t make you immune to suffering. It doesn’t prevent people from getting a common cold, and it doesn’t prevent people from developing cancer, eating disorders, mental illness, addictions or anything else. And academic ‘failure’ is a temporary condition. You can always redeem yourself academically. As you’re smart, you can gain qualifications later in life. But you have to be well enough to handle the studying. I teach university and many of my students are mature students who didn’t get the opportunity to study as teenagers (often because of illness or disability). They tend to be the most motivated and most successful students. So don’t give up hope.
> And I feel like such a Pathetic Loser -- technical terminology there -- for not being Grown Up. I don't know entirely where that part is coming from, although there's some resonance from The Therapist From The Black Lagoon and The Agency From Hell there -- "you need to work harder, it's because you're not willing to work that you're feeling so bad..." You know, wanting someone to do it for me. That's a big bad one, too. I really do want to be able to go and put my head in someone's lap and be petted or held. I want someone to take care of me. I want, on those days that I can't even get out of bed, to have someone else cook breakfast, and maybe just sit with me. Or maybe to have someone bring me breakfast in bed. I want someone to help me with the things I find too hard, for whatever reason. And there's no one there, and I feel overwhelmed by it all.
Surely it’s OK to want someone to look after you? I don’t understand why that’s perceived as ‘bad’. We all want – and NEED – to be loved and cared for.
The only thing I’d say is: you’re being very hard on yourself. You’re expecting things of yourself that no one has the right to expect of you. When you are unwell, you are genuinely unwell. If you can’t work, that’s because you’re too unwell to work. That happens to people sometimes and it isn’t a moral weakness. Being able to accept your illness is a sign of inner strength. Acceptance is the first step to handling it. Maybe you don’t want to accept it (I don’t know; I only know that I find it hard to accept my own illness). And maybe you feel angry at yourself. I would suggest that the appropriate object of your anger is not yourself, but rather the experiences that have led to your illness.
I think you have good reasons to be angry. Don’t turn it against yourself; direct it at the people/situations/circumstances that actually deserve it.
Just my two cents.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:598377
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060110/msgs/598816.html