Posted by Susan47 on January 6, 2006, at 19:26:19
In reply to Re: How do you forgive your therapist for being » Susan47, posted by Dinah on January 6, 2006, at 19:15:30
I think you're right.
For a long time though because I had these "love" feelings for the therapist, I absolutely couldn't tell anybody because it threatened the relationship I wanted to have. God, I mean really Dinah, the whole thing is really kind of SICK, right? I KNEW that though I knew it was, and that made me even more paranoid and disgusted with myself, and yeah, I maybe should say something. I'll have to see. I wondered too, sometimes, and I do now, if I was using the fact that he had this position in the relationship that he'd violated BUT also that it couldn't be proved, except through my adverse reaction WHICH also had the ability to get me into trouble, and which he used, in the end. Which shows how impermeable he thinks he is/was, which is .. nauseating, really. I mean, I still love the guy on some level I couldn't explain. I like to think the best of people. I do. Really. I tried for MONTHS to think the best of him, but the worst of what I'd seen and the way he looked at me, sometimes, well it got to the point where I couldn't look at his face anymore, I had to look at the walls mostly. Near the end of my visits, I wasn't even looking at him for most of a session.
I'm giving the hugest, heaviest sigh right now. I mean, really. In so many ways I could be grateful to this man, because he wasn't really ever my therapist, he was always a man first, after the first couple of visits.. I don't know, I thought there was some kind of undercurrent and I didn't feel happy or comfortable with it. I'm still freaked out about seeing him about town, if I do, and on one level I hope I don't but on another unless he hides out, which would be terrible, or unless I do, which I do ... I suppose it's bound to happen. It frightens me, mostly because it might be more of a non-event or even a bad one .. and that would just "kill" me.
I would bring my posts into the psych, but I can't afford the bloody ink so I think I'll just keep plugging away at understanding this.
Thanks, guys. You're really helping me, all your comments are a help.
poster:Susan47
thread:595608
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051229/msgs/595960.html