Posted by daisym on November 30, 2005, at 10:22:50
In reply to Punishment and forgiveness, posted by fallsfall on November 29, 2005, at 8:17:50
There have been times when I want to provoke my therapist into a fight so that I can argue with him about *why* I feel like I do and justify things. The acceptance and understanding that is so readily offered does not give me the chance to defend myself and turn him into the person to be angry with.
I see this as sort of similiar to your punishment issue. If we can feel punishment from another person, then we can (sort of, kind of) tell ourselves that we have paid the price, we have "served our time" and we can, sometimes, be mad at the other person for being punishing, instead of being mad at ourselves. It also distracts from the work we need to do -- we look at the punishments, or attitudes, or whatever and tell ourselves, "see -- I am bad -- I deserve this punishment -- otherwise, why would they be wanting to punish me?" And feeling bad about being punished saps our energy for other things. And then not doing these other things, justifies the punishment.
This is only a small part of it, I know. But I'm so impressed that you are seeing it so clearly, noticing your own behavior and what seems to be behind it. And self-forgiveness *is* the key -- but I think it is very hard. It is tremendous that you can entertain the possibility that you deserve to be forgiven.
I could argue that there is nothing to forgive. But I can see how that won't resonate. Seems to me that you have some grieving to do, for the lost time and for the you you were before, and then acceptance of the new you that is blossoming. I know (oh too well) that this isn't a linear process, nor is it a quick one. But you sound so determined to keep going forward, to not let slips push you back and keep you down. And don't forget that I'm always happy to help you get back up when you do slip.
You are my hero.
(((Fallsfall)))
poster:daisym
thread:583292
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051130/msgs/583663.html