Posted by LittleGirlLost on November 22, 2005, at 22:59:34
In reply to I don't want to feel this way..., posted by LittleGirlLost on November 22, 2005, at 14:16:32
So I bit the bullet and called. I was ambivalent, but realized I am only making things worse for myself and it would be a long two weeks. Even if I decided to quit, I figured to call and be done with it rather than agonizing over it.
I got her voicemail and decided not to leave a message. I was ambivalent about calling anyway and didn't know what to say, whether she answered or not. I guess my calling and not leaving a message was a slightly louder "silent cry for help".
And she called back. Took me by surprise, and didn't really know what to say. I told her that I was frustrated with everything and didn't know if I wanted to do it anymore. I said that I should probably say it in person, but the days since our last session have been so hard that I would rather just be done with it all. She asked if it had anything to do with this Thursday and understood why I would feel angry and frustrated. So I admitted, maybe a little. I didn't want to tell her too much incase I am trying to swim away, I didn't want her reeling me back in. (These T's can be like fishing poles!) I asked her if she noticed that I didn't call this weekend. She said she did and wondered why I hadn't. I told her that things were bad and I couldn't.... then I couldn't get the other words out... so she asked if I had wished that she would have called me. (Yes! She does know me!) I said yes that esentially I was angry that she couldn't read my mind, and that it isn't fair for me to feel that way. She told me that all of my feelings and wishes were okay and that I needn't be so afraid to share them with her, though she can understand why I am.
The conversation was much longer than any others, and so much of it I don't remember. But I could feel her warmth through the phone which seems to have melted some of this hard shell I had around me. So it was a good conversation, her tone was very gentle tonight, which was good because sometimes she sounds a little different on the phone. She said I can call her again before next Thursday if I wanted to, and even more than once if I wanted to. She understands how it feels so far away for me, for which I am glad.
I don't remember much else, but it's inside somewhere, right?
I'm a different kind of sad now. I feel like crying because I want to see her now; right now! I remember her now and I miss her. I want to sit on her lap and cry. I want to be there. I miss her. (Ugh, and this is why I don't post so often, because it stirs up all these feelings.)
Is it next Thursday yet?
lgl :(
~~~
And then the perfectionist in me worries that I have started giving up already. I haven't written anything for the past 2 weeks. And I'm not writing anything during this 2 week span either. It's too overwhelming to me right now. On the other hand, it's the only way I can remember these little (or big) details. I have too much to do that I can't worry about writing now. Maybe I need to believe that that's okay.
poster:LittleGirlLost
thread:581276
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051118/msgs/581441.html