Posted by JenStar on October 24, 2005, at 22:34:20
In reply to Re: help with dream interpretation? » JenStar, posted by Dinah on October 24, 2005, at 21:13:19
hi Dinah,
I think I've identified the obstacles, and they're mostly inside me. I mean, I could surely use more money and capital equipment (who couldn't, right?) but I think what's holding me back is just my inability to start selling myself and my business -- really being a go-getter, doing the advertising I need to do, doing the networking, etc.I am working on a small-time basis right now but I hope to make it bigger over time. My family and friends are extremely supportive and tell me that I have talent, which I know (not being braggy, just honest!). But I see people with less talent just surging forward and it irritates the s*** out of me. So hopefully that will movitate me to just do what I need to do.
I mean, I don't "need" to as in I'll-starve-if-I-don't-get-this-business-going, but "need" to as in I need to do it for my self worth and my own progress in life. My husband is supporting me while I try this out, and he's very wonderful, but I feel like it's taking me too long, that I'm not a successful person/wife, etc. :(
I think part of it is that I'm a perfectionist and I insist on doing the best quality work, and I have doubts about myself if I can't do 100% perfect on a job. But other people seem to be comfortable getting by with 80% or 90% perfection...so I know that I have what it takes.
I'm sorry that this email is so "cryptic" about "what I do" (I can babble mail you if you're interested!) I know it's probably lame and silly, but I'm afraid to say what it is I do here, in case someone might know me. It's not anything weird or exotic, or even THAT interesting (to me it is, of course!) I'm sorry to everyone, because so many of you are so open with yourselves and your careers, but I'm an anxious person and it's hard for me to open up about some things. Sorry if that's kind of lame.
Anyway, I'm also stressed b/c I want a child very much, but we're having a hard time getting pregnant. Meanwhile, all of my friends and relatives are popping babies out like nobody's business (many on their 2nd or even 3rd!), and everyone keeps cheerfully asking, "Why aren't YOU having a baby?" and some people say, "You can't wait FOREVER, you know! Tick Tick Tick!" and then look at me expectantly, as if I were just being obstinate. I hate that.
My Grandma told me I was too old to have a baby now. Then she laughed. I wanted to cry. I'm 34. I don't know if she was trying to make me feel better (?) b/c I don't have one, or she really thinks it is true. I don't think I'm too old, and I think I'd make a GREAT mom. (My Grandma isn't deliberately mean, I'm pretty sure, although she DOES like to push buttons. She's 92 so I forgive her pretty much anything she says!)
So I guess I feel sort of like a failure, because I can't have a baby, and b/c I'm starting a new career and it isn't taking off like gangbusters. I don't know why I care so much about what people think, but I *do* care, more than I like to admit. And I WANT to be wildly successful, and I think I have it deep within me to do it. I just need to get it out here, somehow!
Whew. I don't know if that made much sense. Thanks for reading, and for caring! It's nice. :)
JenStar
poster:JenStar
thread:570774
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051018/msgs/571583.html