Posted by pegasus on October 10, 2005, at 13:04:47
In reply to A Question and a big ***trigger***, posted by terrics on October 7, 2005, at 12:49:16
I happen to have a document that I put together for my T a while back about this, so I thought I'd post it. It's a bunch of answers to this question that I found on the secret shame web site, that rang true for me. Sorry it's so long, but I found the collection helpful for myself. I hope it's helpful for someone else, too:
Question: Why do you SI?
Answers:
"Sometimes I have too much emotion or a type of thinking I can't handle (such as being angry when I know I don't have a right to be, or if I've done something wrong that I knew I shouldn't have done or some similar contradiction), and I don't know how to understand it or deal with it. I don't have words for it, or anyone who would understand the words if I did. So I explain it to myself with pain and blood and scars. I think of it as a way of forcing my feelings to be real and to matter. And also it helps me gain control, and become calmer. I'd like to be able to tell someone else, but I don't know how. When I try, it doesn't seem to help. Sometimes I write instead, trying to get it out in words. But I never can. Even now, this isn't exactly right." (female, age 38)"I started [self injury] to control my own pain - I had just been betrayed by two people I cared about, so I wanted to take the control of my pain away from them into my own hands. It turned into just a way for me to organize many uncertainties of pain into one, very certain, pain on my body." (female, age 16)
"I [self injure] when I feel I can't be heard, or the words aren't coming out right - like I'm invisible - and I hate being powerless like that." {female, age 43}
"To show myself the pain" {female, age 37}
"It was never, like, 'I am going to hurt myself and put myself in the hospital.' ...It is that I am going to give myself the pain that I need to feel to put the punctuation on this sh*t that's going inside." - Fiona Apple
"SI makes me feel real. Its like "i have the scars and can prove that i really do feel like this, i'm not pretending or attention seeking, it's for real." The scars make me feel proud, like i have a secret that no one can take away. i can do this to myself and not one can stop me. i like to see my blood, (this seems disgusting and masochistic even to me), but i can't explain why i like it. SI is bittersweet..." - female, age 16
"There's lots of reasons. It gives me control, and when I cut I feel like because I can handle that pain, I can handle my emotional pain. I feel like I need a reason or an excuse to feel the emotional pain that I do, and having scars I gave myself gives me a reason for my irrational depression. . . . I just have this irrational desire to see my own blood." - female, age 16
"the blood made me feel some sort of accomplishment. when it started going deep enough to cause blood, i definitely felt some sort of "ah yes, keep going"-feeling. it was like power. mind over matter. the cuts were like another little secret between me and myself. i think it made me feel closer to me. but the best part of the whole thing was watching the scars heal. i think that served as some sort of assurance that i'm "healing" in some way." - female, age 19
"(1) to see blood. It makes me feel like I'm alive, the blood itself is in some weird way like life itself. So, when I'm numb or overwhelmed, it helps soothe me. (2) for the scars. They make me feel like my pain is real, no one can dismiss actual proof like scars, the way people close to me have dismissed my problems and feelings. It's like battle scars: I can look at them and know that I HAVE been through something, and no one can tell me I'm lying. I hurt enough to injure myself-- that means I WAS in pain emotionally. (3) for the pain afterwards. For some reason it makes me feel alive, too. It gives me comfort. When I hate myself, touching the wound will help me feel like I've already been punished, and I'm allowed not to hate myself" - female, age 24
"Trust is a big issue with self-injury. As a self-injurer, I always wanted to be in control of my pain. My fear was that someone would take that control away if they found out what I was doing. Without that control I felt I had nothing."
“An important thing for me, is in the days following, to be able to put my hand to my wrist or whatever and feel the results of my emotions. I like having the reminder of whatever it is that's driving me to tear up my body. I like to be able to press down on the bruise again and know that what I felt was real." - age 16
"[I'm] female, almost 19, first cutting at 16, just finished freshman year of college. And I have everything in the world except my self, if that makes sense."
The feelings are overwhelming--usually severe feelings of rejection, self-hatred or anger. Cutting presents a way to make the pain show (and be felt) on the *outside* where I can deal with it. . . . by cutting, I feel like I am accomplishing *something* while I am in a situation that I (usually) have little control over . . . I feel better after experiencing it--like I have been rightfully punished for something and life can continue anew. At the same time, the wounds usually hurt some even after a few days and they are reminders of what I have done. Feeling in touch with the pain hours or days after the process serves as a perpetual reminder that I have *paid my dues*, whatever they may be. - female, age 33, SIB since teens, Ph.D.
poster:pegasus
thread:564066
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051008/msgs/565246.html