Posted by daisym on September 12, 2005, at 0:52:16
In reply to Admitting someone hurt you versus whining?, posted by Racer on September 11, 2005, at 22:08:02
I was here last year and I remember how thos people dragged you down. They were the worst kind of "helpers" -- blaming the sick person for catching the germ. We've grown enough to have "no fault" divorce but we still can't treat mental illness as an illness and not as a choice. I could go on and on.
BUT -- two things to consider. I do what you do, I try to own my part of things and I try to look at it from all sides and I try to understand why people hurt me. I minimize my own hurt because I'm sure that no one else would feel this bad, or this hurt. I actually asked my therapist in all seriousness, if what happened to me as a child was "bad" -- bad enough for therapy. He didn't pull any punches when he answered yes. He said I want to avoid the victim label so badly I was trying to convince him I was at fault but victim is not a bad word. Being a victim means someone hurt you. And it is very well known for "victims" to be abused more than once. Why? Because they come to expect it and their pain makes them vulnerable again and again. Don't you think we are all trying to repeat situations until we get it right? Doing the "if only" dance -- if only I say it the right way, I will be believed and get help. If only I present myself in a professional way, I will be believed and get help. And on and on.
What I would ask you to hang on to is the second thing I want you to consider. If any of the things that happened to you happened to a friend, or a sister, or a child you know, what would you think? My therapist often asks me to think of the children I work with and imagine them enticing a grown man to have sex with them. I get outraged...and he makes his point. If a 13 year old child had an appointment with you, and came rushing in from this experience, what would you have done? I doubt strongly that you would have chastised her for being late.
I know that you already said you can be outraged for someone else. Please try to overlay this on your experiences, one at a time, as if you were thinking about someone else. I really do know how hard this is. Really.
poster:daisym
thread:553954
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050901/msgs/554051.html