Posted by gardenergirl on August 24, 2005, at 19:28:09
My T has said a couple of times recently when I've been struggling with something in session, that he wasn't responding because he didn't want to "collude with me". Today I asked him what he meant by that. Of course he asked me what I thought first (sigh). I really hadn't thought that much about it, but as I was talking then, I said that intellectually I knew he was wanting me to figure things out myself, but that emotionally it felt like he was pulling back. And then of course I started to cry. I had no idea this was coming.
We spent a lot of time talking about losses and change. It seems like lately I've learned some important stuff about myself that is allowing me more choices in life. I've learned that I'm not really so much depressed as I am anxious. The way I tend to deal with anxiety is to retreat, which looks and feels like depression.
So now I need to find a way to cope with anxiety, which has been really bad at times now that I am allowing it into my consciousness. And maybe shed some baggage that I'm tired of carrying around. But that will also mean "shedding" therapy at some point. And that is a very painful thought. It doesn't help that I've got to terminate with a lot of clients in the next few weeks. I mentioned this and noted that for some it likely will be painful. He said "for the therapist, too." I suppose it will be hard for both of us in different ways.
Annierose asked why it had to be so hard. I have the same question. Today I said it was a royal pain in the butt.
sigh
gg
poster:gardenergirl
thread:546244
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050824/msgs/546244.html