Posted by Daisym on August 12, 2005, at 15:11:47
In reply to Therapy vs. Real Life (LONG), posted by antigua on August 12, 2005, at 10:37:01
***Part of this is in response to Daisy's bravery at speaking to her T about her anger and love for him but I didn't want to hijack her thread. Daisy, you said that you knew you could never have these feelings with a man in real life. That's my interest here.
Hmmm...I think I believe that I wouldn't allow these feeling IRL - they would be subject to squashing pretty quickly - but I would guess if I worked closely with or had a friendship with a soft spoken guy, they might develop. But I stay away from that on purpose.
***I know I've mentioned it before, but I have a female T I've been seeing for about 15 years. She is great, and has been very helpful to me. I originally went over the depression I was feeling about losing a child, but we eventually worked our way to the csa I experienced, but wasn't even really aware of. I still have yet to get to the "it" that controls my intense desires of longing and fears of abandonment. I know my feelings, I recognize that when they come up, they are a symbol of something that needs to be paid attention to, etc. They did emerge when I was terminated preciptiously by a male T and while I could trace them to my father's abandonment, I still wasn't able to work through them to let them go. Because that's what I need to do, feel them and process them so I can let them go.
Have you considered that you might not ever be able to "let them go?" That they make up part of who you are and where you've come from so they are intertwined with the good and the bad. I think you do need to feel them and process them but maybe it will be putting away them away, aware that they can and will be triggered now and then. I know this wasn't the gist of your post but I would like to discuss this some point in the future. I'm struggling with the concept myself right now.
***These feelings have recently surfaced for a man I've known for several years. My heart tells me I am hopelessly in love, but my head says this is just a renactment of my feelings for my father, albeit in another form. I have a realtively good relationship with my husband and I have never broken our marriage vows, and at this point I don't plan on doing so (primarily because I don't think the other man is interested). But I was compelled to tell this man how I felt, in hopes that I could process my feelings.
You were really brave to tell him, and maybe it isn't all a re-enactment. I think we have the capacity to love more than one person at a time, we make the choice to commit to just one. So I don't think you can just write off your feelings that easily. (Not that any of this is easy, I know.)
***So I have two questions for you guys. Do I try to work through these feelings with this man knowing that it could truly be disastrous, or should I just back off, and take my feelings back to the therapy room (once again) knowing that these are the intense feelings we describe for our Ts, and that this can't work in real life?
I think I'm with Tamar here, I'd take them back into therapy. There is a lot to look at, and I don't think you can work through these feelings with this man without getting really hurt or getting involved. Neither seems the option you would want. I don't know him, he might be capable of helping you sort through a few things, but I think you need to look at your marriage and your history, as well as the circumstances of this whole thing, and that is a lot to ask from someone who isn't your therapist, or at least your best friend.
***Secondly, since my T is female, do you think I will never be able to process these feelings with her? The feelings have never surfaced for her. I've experienced transference for her when I've needed her to be the good mother, and that worked out really well, but I even told her the other day that I needed the comfort from a man. Why? That shouldn't really make a difference, but I can't feel these feelings in the therapeutic situation. We've talked about this endlessly, but we always end up in frustrated.
This is a really hard question. Most of the literature suggests that women with csa issues typically chose women therapists and do better with them. We know on this board that it is a huge mix. I have felt both maternal and paternal things for my therapist, so I'm not convinced that gender has much to do with it. That said, I didn't pick a woman because I've never been able to be vulnerable with a woman, I keep trying to prove to them (to my mother) that I can take care of myself and that is OK. I've never had intense feelings of need and want come up with women either. The question is really how long would it take you to trust a male, given your past experience with a male therapist, in order to sort through this.
I have another idea...it is sort of way out there...but maybe this is where group therapy, led by a male therapist, would be useful. You would have the safety you need, by virtue of the numbers, and the contact with other men in an intimate setting. I don't know, just a thought.
This is a hard one, because you've already tried a number of times to sort through it with your own therapist. What does she recommend? Can she recommend a guy to consult with, someone she knows is gentle and understanding? I'd loan you mine, but I'm pretty sure he is going to be very busy the next few weeks holding me together.
Hugs, Daisy
poster:Daisym
thread:540636
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050801/msgs/540760.html