Posted by LadyBug on August 8, 2005, at 22:10:30
My mother was depressed over the course of several years and later diagnosed as being bipolar. When I was an infant she had a breakdown. I believe that the experience of living with a mom that was depressed is one reason why I now have such a vulnerability to rejection and have a struggle with depression myself. With this thought I believe I have a difficult time taking in love or regard even when it's offered to me. I feel a longing for what I missed and at times the longing turns to anger. I don't want to be angry.
Therapy has provided me with an atmosphere of nurturing, understanding and caring which I suppose resembles good mothering. At times the longing I feel is unbearable. I feel like I'm going to break or die of a broken heart. As I reflect back to the beginning of therapy I remember it being very difficult to talk about love. I realize I've been given the opportunity of taking in the regard that my therapist has offered me. It feels good at times and at other times it feels painful. Is this the anger and grief I feel for not getting what I needed as a child? I want to be relieved of my fear of rejection and abandonment. I want to accept without fear the love and affection that can be mine if I will take it in. I'm so afraid of making my therapist upset with me. I've made her upset in the past and it hurts.
I know it's normal to long to have a "perfect mom" along with a wish to have someone care for and love me. The only parts of the relationship I have with my therapist that I can take outside of her office are the things I take in my mind. She's so a part of me. There's no doubt there. I just don't understand my confusion. I do have a deep love for my therapist. I know it's real and not just transference. We've been working together for several years and we've worked hard. I know she's tried to give it her all and she's bent over backwards for me trying to help me "get it". Why is it so hard for me to get? Why isn't this working for me?
I wonder if I'd be better off giving up therapy and calling myself a failure.LadyBug
poster:LadyBug
thread:539423
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050801/msgs/539423.html