Posted by deborah anne lott on July 30, 2005, at 17:44:55
In reply to Lott: Two questions, posted by Dinah on July 29, 2005, at 14:45:53
I was struggling to find a way to express the fact that the therapy relationship is both real in its own right, and a place in which to work out earlier relationship issues. And also that the relationship has built-in limitations. It's "real" but it cannot leave the room, it's never fully two-way, it's usually time-limited, both in terms of session length, and overall duration. I didn't mean to suggest that the feelings or the bond aren't "real" but they are a special category of "real" when compared to other in-the-world relationships.
> I think we had some questions about exactly what was meant by the "approximate relationship". Maybe because I've been in therapy so long, I don't really think of it as approximating anything but therapy. And I have come to value it as a separate type of relationship with its own unique characteristics. Not friendship, or romance. But, well, a therapeutic relationship.
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> I was wondering if I was missing someting in trying to understand how you used the word.
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> I was also wondering if many of the women who responded to you had been in really really long term therapy with the same therapist, and how the relationship in those cases differs from shorter term therapy.
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> I've been in therapy ten years with the same therapist, and I call what we've done "fighting to relationship". I'm rather proud and happy of the relationship we've fought to. He had to overcome a few of his own issues along the way to be the therapist he is now. And of course, I worked on my own issues a lot more overtly and a lot more frequently.
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> The boundaries remain very firm. I think in part it's because of my therapist's temperament. He's not terribly warm or effusive. But the boundaries are quite a bit different than they were at the beginning. Like he doesn't mind letting me know I've got a special relationship with him, but attributes it to the longevity of our relationship and how hard we've worked on it. And over the years I've come to know more about his family because things have cropped up where he's had to cancel, etc. I definitely know more about him as a human being and his quirks and flaws and strengths.
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> He's well aware that I care for him, but not in a way that I desire more from the relationship than he cares to give. I don't want him as either friend or lover. I'll take forever therapy quite happily though. :) I know that's frowned on by many people. But I find it helpful and as stabilizing as some medications with fewer side effects.
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> Ours seems like a natural enough progression to make in the course of a ten year therapy relationship. But I naturally wonder at the "normal" course of a very long term therapy relationship.
poster:deborah anne lott
thread:535327
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050725/msgs/535756.html