Posted by pinkeye on July 21, 2005, at 15:22:18
I had a session today.. (2 more to go before I terminate with her)
I told her about my husband's hitting.. She asked me if this is something I invited upon myself since I am in a confusion about leaving to India - if I did anything to aggravate the situation and pick up a fight.. I said no. I was just making tea, and we had a very smooth day till that point. She asked me why I didn't call the cops.. I said I didn't have a visible mark or damage to show the cops even if I called.. Plus I don't want to treat my husband like that. She said if he continues to do that, I should call the cops - that it is like sticking up for myself..
I told her about my intention to hurt myself.. and my intention to get attention from my ex T - how I felt so manipulative.. She said, well, you can write without hurting yourself physically and express your grief.. I said I wrote to him already, and he didn't respond.. Then she asked what if he didn't respond after you hurt yourself? I don't know the answer to that.. But I told her I want him to realize what he has put me through.. How much I am hurt and angry.. She said that I have to own responsibility for my part in this.. That I put him in a pedestal and kept him up so high, that it is hurting me so very much. She said I have to stop doing that - putting people (especially men) in a pedestal.. She said, it was clear that my ex T had indicated long back that he was not able to help me through emails.. SHe knows about my repeated emails to him for the past 2 years and him responding only sporadically with a brief message.. She said, he had made it very clear that I was to leave him and find someone else here.. Only that I didn't take the clue and leave. And I kept him up in the pedestal and gave him this super important status in my life, which he didn't want, and didn't need, and I kept hurting myself and wishing it would change and trying harder every time.. and it all ended up in huge and immense frustration..She had said before the problem is my relaitonship with my dad - how he had molded me to expect that kind of relationship with men.. and that I was just replaying the same thing.
I told her how it felt guilty for me to keep talking about my ex T even when we are about to terminate, and how I felt guilty about not forming an attachment to her even though she had been the best with me.. SHe said she really didn't want that kind of intense attachment.. I told her she helped me a lot.. and she was happy. She said I need to talk to women more to get a better sense of myself..
I had to get it out of my chest..
poster:pinkeye
thread:530991
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050716/msgs/530991.html