Posted by pinkeye on June 29, 2005, at 18:47:02
All these years, I was still somehow remaining like a child.. in an emotional sense..
Over the past 3 - 4 days, I am detecting lot of change in how I think of myself and my body.. I no longer think I am very big for my age (I always used to think I am too huge and I was not too big or anything). I realized that I was emotionally only 12 - 13 year old so far.. It sound ridiculous and funny given all that I talk, but in fact that was what was happening. I did operate in the real world - so to speak, but I would always be a small child in many ways.. I think somehow I had some kidn of arrested development because of my csa and dependancy with my dad.
But now, suddenly I am feeling like a woman.. My body doesn't feel too big to me.. it seems normal.. and my feelings seem to be ok - not guilty. I always used to feel guilty about sexual thoughts in a way.. as if I am attempting something beyond my age!!!. Now I don't feel that.. And even when I used to think about it, I always used to think of someone almost like a father figure - little overpowering and dominant..and me as a child, but now I am beginning to feel more like a partner. I am behaving very adultish - even in work before I used to be like a child, just do what people ask me to do and didn't bother about trying to create an impact - now I am doing that..
It all feels so sudden..
poster:pinkeye
thread:521200
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050628/msgs/521200.html