Posted by PM80 on June 29, 2005, at 14:50:15
Does anyone find that when your meds are working supposedly just how they are supposed to that you don't know if you like the feeling? How do you deal with it? Is it really better?
My dx is bipolar II. I used to have panic attacks, but that was pretty much an isolated sypmtom and I am not generally bothered by unprovoked anxiety.
Now that I'm on meds and they are working, it feels weird. OK, one good thing I like is that I no longer have racing thoughts. I used to have some derealization, and that has gotten much better (whether from therapy or drugs i don't know). I'm not apathetic or dull-witted, but somehow my brain feels a little empty. I kinda miss the intensity of my previous emotional states. A few nights ago I drank a lot after missing a few recent doses here and there (I don't normally miss a dose) and I got really depressed - like I used to. The feeling is like a desperate raging hurt deep inside and it felt so much more real than almost all of the feelings that I feel while I'm on meds. A feeling where the fact that life is so futile and the knowledge of my own mortality weighs so heavily that I am literally left curled up in a ball gasping for breath. Like looking into a bottomless black hole and knowing that regardless of your wishes you will be forced into it eventually. It is so incredibly, excruciatingly, painfully real. The next day, I felt normal but realized that I sorta miss what I considered the feeling of brushing up against reality. My highs are also not like they used to be. I can get excited about something, but it don't buzz like I used to. I got an unexpected raise at work and I was definitely happy, but I didn't start talking extra fast or have that i'm queen-of-the-world feeling.
Is this what is supposed to be?
poster:PM80
thread:521134
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050628/msgs/521134.html