Posted by Dinah on June 28, 2005, at 8:35:43
In reply to Re: Chapter 6: Gaslighting » Dinah, posted by Tamar on June 28, 2005, at 3:34:17
> I thought the ideas raised in the chapter on gaslighting were really important. Although therapists won’t tell us much about what they’re thinking or how they’re feeling, it’s inevitable that we’ll pick up on their emotions from time to time.
Absolutely. And my therapist has found with me that it's wisest to admit to the immediate emotion and some of what caused it. He doesn't generally (the dependent woman incident aside) tell me about his deeper issues. He will sometimes say that something is his own issue, not mine, but not often because that inevitably leads to questions. So he'll usually just own the behavior or the immediate emotion. When he used to try to deny it, it would just upset me more and more because I put my own interpretations on what it meant.
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> I was so angry when I read Andi’s story about her therapist blaming her for his sleepiness and claiming she wasn’t being genuine in therapy. Even though there was a happy ending, I still feel outraged that a therapist could mess with someone’s head in this way.
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In his defense, I can't remember how many books I've read where therapists are urged to use their feelings, including feelings of sleepiness, to use their countertransference, to figure out what is going on in therapy. And I must confess that my therapist used to fall asleep or get really sleepy a lot in therapy. I'm not shy so I brought it up, he admitted it was his fault, and we tried changing chairs, changing appointment times, everything. When I stopped being superrational and brought my emotions to therapy he quit getting sleepy. He almost never gets sleepy anymore. So there might be something to it.But there is a matter of timing. A therapist might use their sleepiness to determine what's going on in therapy, but there's no point bringing that up at the exact moment he's been caught in impropriety. A therapist is being paid for his time and attention. To fall asleep is not good, no matter what. A heartfelt apology is what's called for then. Questions about how genuine the client is being can be brought up when the client has less justifiable anger.
IM (not usually) HO
> > Babble is another place where it's easy to do that.
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> I think there’s something about communicating online that encourages transference. And it can take some time to get a feel for people’s personalities. I think there are still a few posters I confuse with other posters. One thing I find curious is that it takes me much less time to get a sense of someone who has a posting name that’s actually a name (like Dinah!) rather than an epithet.You know, I think that's true of me as well. And it isn't only because choosing a name is indicative of your personality either. I don't think I'd be Dinah had I chosen Lily as a posting name. Both perfectly fine names, but different mental images. But that's also true of non-name names, so that can't be the answer. Maybe there's something in the way our brains work. Proper names stimulate a different part of the brain or something? All my dogs but one have human names. Hmmm...
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> > I'll confess that I still have trouble with the stories that suggest that therapists fall in love or experience strong sexual attraction to their clients. It's so far outside my experience. I can understand a client falling for a therapist. The situation seems to be perfect for that. But I still can't manage to put my mind around the reverse. A therapist would obviously go into therapy understanding that it would be disastrous to feel anything sexual or romantic towards their clients. I just don't have the appropriate inner resources to concieve of an attraction being strong enough to overcome that. I suppose I can imagine noting an attraction, but I have trouble understanding that it could affect them enough to affect therapy. I'm sure that's a lack in me.
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> I tend to think the strength of the attraction can lie in the therapist’s own transference: the attraction is out of proportion to the situation. A mild attraction is one thing, and I expect most therapists feel somewhat attracted to some of their clients some of the time. But a strong sexual desire for a client is probably based in transference or countertransference, I imagine, and therefore difficult to resolve quickly. All the more reason for therapists to be fully aware of their own issues!
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I think you're right. I guess I see that there are some situations where taboos should be stronger than attraction. Family members, or teacher/student, or therapist/client. At least on the part of the person with more power and more training. I would imagine that letting someone in that far would indicate some other issues being involved.I have to confess that I'm sometimes glad I'm plain. I feel free to talk about all manner of things with my therapist that I'd be shy to bring up if I were attractive. But I don't think he'd ever be so stupid as to let desire or attraction bring him past a certain point, no matter what. At least I hope so, because I'd skin him if he lost his license because he was thinking from the wrong part of his anatomy.
poster:Dinah
thread:491935
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050628/msgs/520427.html