Posted by 10derHeart on June 15, 2005, at 0:42:28
Here is an email I sent my T. at 1:30 AM a couple days ago. Not even sure why I'm posting this. It will surely appear as some attempt to get sympathy/empathy, or something. Which is fine...but, well, that's not it entirely. I think I want some way to quickly show sort of where I'm *at* with this T., and in my inner world these days.
I don't know. I like to tell Babblers about therapy, but my sessions have swung so wildly all over the place for months that I don't know what *issues* we're been working on, if any. Maybe, possibly, still the biggest one of all. That trust mountain we're always climbing. I see it like that in my mind. Like those who trek up Mt. Everest and have to stop at camps at different levels.
Guess my sending this email to him feels like I've truly reached that first base camp and being able to relax and rejuvenate a bit, knowing he's real and warm and safe and *there* (like tents and heaters and food, etc?). It's good, but scary because I have to go outside and face the cold mountain again.
(If I borrowed this metaphor from anyone here - please forgive me. It's one of those things that popped into my head, but now I'm doubting if it's an original thought or one I read here once....d*mn, I hate not knowing...)
Here's this lovely email. I cringe now when I re-read it. Don't want any of this to be how I think/feel - but, as dear Alex likes to say, "and there it is." Even worse, this isn't even close to the depth of things. Just skimming the surface, really.
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I am really not a worthwhile person. Maybe I once was, but not now, or in the foreseeable future.I have no motivation. I can't sustain interest in much. I am weak and have no willpower.
I have lots of apathy when depressed. I have almost as much apathy when not depressed.
My life has little substance in it. I don't really "do" anything.
Seems almost the only thing that matters is therapy. But that’s stupid.
Because it matters…. for what? Everything seems like...so what?
I am too old/weak/unfocused/overwhelmed to change anything.
The Bible says the plan is to prosper us and not to harm us....but that may be all in what "prosper" means to Him.
For me, it must be "prosperous" to be very alone and very invisible, empty and useless.
I fool myself, arrogantly thinking I try to work hard, even do kind of well in therapy.
When I may in reality, be the biggest joke ever. You and Dr. XXX (< name of ex-T.) could have a good laugh together.
I never even mention the really hurtful stuff. I am too scared and maybe too proud for that.
Not looking foolish, weak, shallow or selfish to you is apparently more important than revealing honest truths. Just more evidence of stupidity.
I intensely dislike myself right now, to say the least.
How can you help someone who doesn’t know what they want or need from one day to the next?
Or, who knows, but also is fairly sure these things are never going to come to pass anyway?
Never ever :-(
I am frustrated. Or at least I would be if I cared enough. Do I care a little bit because I’m going to send this message?
I don’t know. Maybe, but...I just feel bad. Bad, then numb, then bad, then stupid, then bad.....
It must feel great to be a therapist and get to read such cr*p. But, you are a therapist who wrote:
"I think it is important to have a way to "say" what is on your mind when you are thinking/feeling it. So, email is a great way to do that and make sure that I "hear" it."
How do you like what's on my mind at 1 am? Be careful what you ask for, I guess. Can you hear me now? :-( (This is not fair to you. I'm really sorry :-( )
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(Hope the Bible/God reference didn't distress anyone. I am always tip-toeing areound that here on Babble. My T. and I are both of the same religious tradition, so this stuff about certain scripture verses, etc., is naturally interwoven into our talking with each other.)BTW, he replied with lovely words, very caring and full of empathy. He did not allow me to get away with apologizing for sharing feelings when I had them, or calling myself a "joke." I replied to him, he replied again, even more kindly, saying he read my 2nd msg. several times and was struggling with what to say to me at this point. He's really a good and sincere T. I just think I'm a crappy client right now. So needy, yet....if I really show it all...what then? It's neverending.....
Honestly, all I fear about tomorrow's session is having it end. I really don't like leaving his office at all lately. I like talking to him and at least there I'm *seen* and *heard* and best of all, NOT alone. Oh, this has gone beyond pathetic.
It scares me how much I look forward to sessions. Been down a similar road before. Different, yet the same, too. Therapy is hard and confusing.
poster:10derHeart
thread:512970
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050606/msgs/512970.html