Posted by daisym on June 9, 2005, at 0:05:55
There are so many hard things happening at once for me that today I was on complete overload. I said to my therapist, "I just can't take anymore. I have no more resources to cope with this weekend, but I can't have another melt down in front of my family."
The story behind the story is that last Sat was the first family get together that included my dad in over two years. (I saw him last summer at his house but this time he is out here.) When I walked in to my brother's house, my dad hugged me and I had to retreat to the bathroom to squelch the tears. By Sat night I was FURIOUS with my therapist, a completely irrational response. I told him Monday after much pushing and pulling on his part, that I was mad at him. I said I didn't understand my reaction but I knew what it was. I wanted permission to not go, and I really wanted him to tell me that this was bad for me, and I wanted him to say that it was OK to not let my dad touch me in anyway. I guess I wanted to be rescued or saved. He said he could totally understand my being angry at him that he didn't/couldn't do that for me. He said he felt a strong urge to drop kick my dad or to stand as a shield between us. (I had to laugh) But, the reality is that I have to do those things for myself, but he would provide emotional support. He said this time things are really different for the younger parts of me, because he is with me. I'm not alone with my fears. I said it was super hard to hear him in my head last weekend, there was too much anxiety.
We've been talking about this the past few days, trying to plan responses, role playing a little and even making a list of how to duck out of a few things over the next 4 days. I said four days is not that long, I can get through this. I said I'd be "fine." My therapist looked at me and said, "You know I never buy it when you say that sh**, so don't even go there." And then he said he had a way to help me keep him with me. Last summer he gave me his talisman to hold while he was on vacation. It is this little tiny pouch, about thumb size, with a piece of turquoise in it. He put his picture in it last summer and wrote on the back "I'll be back." I loved it. I kept the picture but gave him back his pouch when he returned. He brought it and gave it to me again today. This time he put his cell phone number in it. He said he was hoping that if I had it to hold for the weekend I wouldn't feel so alone. And he was also hoping that giving the number to me again would make me believe that it was OK to let little daisy call him if she was really upset. He said "I" could call too...And he was really gentle and sincere about the whole thing so it felt OK -- I could feel his caring and worry but it didn't freak me out.
I know it is kind of a silly thing. And yes, I feel really immature, and clingy and needy again. But right now, for the next few days, I'm going to take the support being offered. Because I am really, really on empty. I'll worry about the symbolic nature of all of this later. I'm sure I'll end up apologizing or worrying again about my feelings for him. But again, right now, all I can think is that I'm very, very lucky to have found him.
I just wanted to share.
poster:daisym
thread:509908
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050606/msgs/509908.html