Posted by fallsfall on May 29, 2005, at 15:10:27
In reply to Re: For Daisy » TofuEmmy, posted by daisym on May 29, 2005, at 14:10:51
I know the failure looks intolerable to you. Believe me, I know. But I am (slowly) starting to believe that other people don't see these failures as devistating(ly?) as we do. Look at Martha Stewart - she was sent to jail, but she has come out and is keeping on. Look at Bill Clinton - how he stood through the Monica stuff. And they still have supporters (lots of them). I might say "Gee, Martha and Bill aren't as "good" people as I thought (did I ever think that?) they were." but I would never say "The world would be better off without them". And what they both did was immoral. You haven't done anything immoral. Your difficulties at work are not due to immorality - they are due to external circumstances. Sure you can say "Well, I should have planned better for the external circumstances. Well, we can all always plan better. But even if you "fail" at work, you haven't done anything evil or immoral and people will know that. Sort of like how you came upon your psychological problems honestly, you have come upon your work problems honestly, too.
I honestly believe that you are much harder on yourself than anyone else in the world is. Maybe they have a better idea...
I am sure that their "disappointment" in you will be so much less than your disappointment in yourself. I don't know if I can help you be less disappointed in you, but it might help if you were more realistic about how other people will view you. Particularly those who matter. And isn't it possible that if certain people *were* to be disappointed in you (i.e. your mother?) that that would indicate more of an issue on their part than on yours?
And I don't think it is a choice between disappointment and hate. Your children won't hate you if you kill yourself - they will be *hurt* by you. Somehow, though, "hurt" doesn't capture the essence of how they will feel.
You must talk about this with your therapist. This is not one of those optional things. I don't believe that you "can't" - I think that you "don't want to". This is one of those times when you need to force yourself. I'm glad to hear that you aren't in any immediate danger, and I do believe that is true. But if you don't address this with your therapist there will come a time when you *will* be in immediate danger. I don't want that time to come.
poster:fallsfall
thread:504637
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050528/msgs/504792.html