Posted by daisym on May 24, 2005, at 0:46:22
I think I'm struggling right now with what feels like a big shift in therapy. For most of the past year I've felt pretty regressed with my therapist, especially when talking about the past and telling stories of csa. We've woven our way through so many tough issues, not the least of which has been my ongoing struggle with my dependency on him. Then 6 weeks ago my world dumped upside down and I had to deal simultaneously with a HUGE work crisis and a frightening health crisis here at home. There was absolutely no time to be regressed or to work on anything in therapy. The dependency was broken and the connection felt weakened, which felt like another whole crisis. We've talked about this a lot, how I feel, how the younger parts are buried and how I'm afraid to go deep again because of the potential return to painful dependency.
What I didn't realize was that those feelings of attachment were converting themselves into something else -- which remains undefined still, but essentially feels more like my adult self wanting to be close to him as well. It is confusing to want this from this perspective, because it feels really wrong. It isn't love and it isn't lust but it is a longing to be special and to be cared for. There are other feelings in here too...but they are all mixed up...anger and jealousy are part of all of this, but those feel like they belong to the younger parts of me. I'm frightened by this because it might fundamentally change how we interact.
I told him a lot of this today, sharing some journal pages and then trying to talk it through. It was hard for me, because I feel like I'm admitting to doing something wrong. And I told him how Tender's post above resonated with me and made me sad. Essentially I told him that it felt like a whole other side of me was asking him for something that I didn't think I was supposed to want.
He agreed that we are relating on a different level. That I'm not parentifying him right now, which possibly is a good thing. He said I've kept this adult, intellectual side of me at arms length, allowing the younger sides to connect and to weep. He thinks it might be a good thing that the adult wants comfort and connections too. I said I was afraid he would change the boundaries, and that my motives would be suspect -- is this a seduction? And what if the younger parts show up and want to talk again. Can we shift back?
What I know for sure is that this realization has made me very lonely. I'm acutely aware of how isolated I am in both my professional and my personal life. I can't share the pain or guilt or stress I feel with anyone in either place. Therapy used to be my most safe place, my base. But how can I think of my therapist as my safe base, like a toddler would, with all these other feelings in play?
I know we have a lot of work to do on all of this. It feels really important. And he really wants to talk about it. He said he would never quit on me...that he can handle whatever is coming up. I'm still scared. The internal war is heating up again between age states and who wants what. Sessions are never long enough. I need help navigating all this -- how do you make sense of any of it?
poster:daisym
thread:502097
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050521/msgs/502097.html