Posted by messadivoce on May 20, 2005, at 2:48:11
Okay, so I've moved home after graduation. My room is filled with boxes and I'm slowly going through them. It's getting cleaner in here. Too bad my mind is such a mess.
I will be living at home at least for the summer. Depending on what kind of job I can find, it may be possible to move out in the fall. But since I want to get married next summer, I could save SO much $$ living at home.
I feel so weird right now. I can feel myself on the verge of a depression/anger meltdown and I just can't go there. To summarize, I struggle with living with my family. I am so different from them in almost every way. I struggle with reconciling the memories I have of my dad with the man who has been very helpful through this move. To anyway, it looks as though we have a good relationship. No one guesses at the hurt I still carry.
It is so tough to not fall back into old patterns. I have to keep talking myself up. I'm not the helpless little girl anymore who had to take whatever was dished out. I'm valuable as a person, even though I'm so dramatically different from my family. I'm a capible woman who has proven herself. Then why do I feel like a kid again???
I'm not in therapy right now, but maybe I should be. My T is not currently in private practice. She is seeking out jobs in university clinics. She's talked about a private practice, but nothing's materialized. I could start over AGAIN with a T (#3) but the thought of that makes my heart and my lungs and whatever else is in there sink. And then there's the $$ issue. I don't know if I can afford therapy now that I would have to pay.
Is it the upheavil of moving that has triggered this?? I wonder.
The good news is that I have a lot more now than I've ever had. I have a computer with a DSL connection in my room, so I can babble to my heart's content. I have a big room so I can do yoga, and I have decoration plans to turn this back into my space. I'm determined to keep myself sane. And I have my music, and still have lots of friends close by. I've got memories of my T.
I hope it's enough for now.
poster:messadivoce
thread:500205
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050513/msgs/500205.html