Posted by littleone on May 17, 2005, at 21:59:13
I wanted to post something to try and connect again, but I don't know what to say.
We've been talking about a lot of mother stuff in therapy lately and my T had discouraged me from seeing my mum for mothers day. I ended up seeing her anyway and it was kind of nice. Then I was at a work conference for the following week.
I guess I was mad or resentful towards my T after seeing my mum and having that coupled with going away to an isolated area has really cut me off from everything.
I feel like all attachment to my T has been severed. I don't feel connected at all to my husband or even babble. I just feel nothing inside.
But it's a good nothingness. There's no depression or anxiety. I even managed to do some gardening lately (which I simply hadn't been able to do at all since my depression after the accident).
But even though it feels like a good nothingness, I know that it's a bad nothingness. That it's only feeling good because I'm not being terrified by the threat of attachment. And I think I kind of miss the connections to my T and my husband and babble. But that part is being very quite and is being smothered by the nothingness.
How do you re-connect to your T?
A while ago, my T was saying that I experience many events/feelings as a child and have issues from the dissociative sprectrum. I gave him some posts decribing the child like ego states you guys all talk about and he said that was what he was talking about too.
The last couple of sessions when I've been totally cut off, he's been asking me to draw for him. Doing this terrifies me. I find it too revealing. "But that's why we're here" he says. He wants me to draw my feelings and I have a strong suspicion that this is so he can look into the child like feelings more. But it's so scary.
He says it's another way to communicate. I say that I already write heaps out for him, he should be happy with that. But inside I know it's the adult who writes. In over a year, only once has a child written.
I don't want to have a "her".
poster:littleone
thread:499206
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050513/msgs/499206.html