Posted by LG04 on May 16, 2005, at 23:46:38
In reply to Re: Is it really harmful to be friends with T ?, posted by happyflower on May 4, 2005, at 12:22:35
Hi, I haven't been on Babble for ages. I just got on and skimmed subject headings, I'm too tired to read much right now.
I skimmed a few of these posts and want to tell you all about a book I've been reading called,
"When Boundaries Betray Us." I found it at a used bookstore and thought it would be about a therapist who was sexual with a client.Turns out, it's a book about a therapist and client who had a very strong "soul connection" and had discussed being friends after therapy. In the end, the therapist said no, and the client was devestated for a long, long time. She felt that the therapist held back b/c of the professional boundaries, and in fact "hid" behind them due to her own fears of intimacy, and in doing so, betrayed the authenticity of their relationship.
The author feels that for her, healing comes in creating authentic, soulful, mutual relationships with others. And that though therapy has its place, the "power-over" aspect of it became very constricting for her and she also feels it's a result of a patriarchal society. She couldn't take it anymore. she loved her therapist and knew her therapist felt the same, and was ready to move into a different, mutual kind of relationship where they would continue to grow and heal. but the therapist backed out.
She talks a lot about "The Stone Center," a consortium of women therapists who reseach and write about many things, including genuineness and mutuality in therapy. This is what it says on their home page:
http://www.wcwonline.org/index.html
"For more than 30 years, the Wellesley Centers for Women (WCW) has been a driving force, both behind the scenes and in the spotlight, promoting positive change for women and girls. The nation's largest women's research center, WCW is the powerful alliance of the Center for Research on Women and the Stone Center at Wellesley College."
I saw a few Stone Center books on the shelves of Borders under "feminism" or "women's studies." they are very, very interesting.
The book is very moving and at least for me very thought provoking. It might be true that for 90% - 95% of therapist/client relationships, friendship might not be the right thing. But what about the small minority where it might be, where the feelings are mutual, and to NOT pursue this route is letting go of a very important healing relationship in one's life for no reason other than society's finger wagging no-no?
(though actually, most psychological organizations' ethical statements about termination discuss the rules regarding sexual relationships following therapy, and don't mention anything about friendships).
If my therapist had stopped contact when i left the country, i would have been beyond devestated. it would have affected my ability to trust people probably for the rest of my life. she knew this and agreed to an ongoing phone therapy relationship with me even though none of her colleagues approved of it. she knew in her heart that it was the right thing, THANK GOODNESS she had the courage to follow her instincts and intimate knowledge of the situation. i can't imagine had she cut me off. the pain would have been unbearable. i've been thru enough pain in my life. G-d knows i don't need more.
we are now working thru a termination process. neither of us know what will be in the future. we are both open to a different kind of relationship. but we both believe that this one needs to be grieved and let go of first, before we can determine how each of us feels about developing a different kind of relationship. we each talk about how precious we are to one another, how it's a very special relationship, that we have a soul connection.
yet, we each agree that probably in many ways it would be easier to not pursue anything after termination. it's very difficult to change boundaries, to figure out how to do it and so many many issues that go along with it. we will each have to ask ourselves if we are willing to take the harder road, one that is filled with a lot of fears, but where the rewards could be infinite. it will mean a lot of discussion with each other about expectations and fears and risks and so on, and a tremendous amount of openness and honesty with each other. i am just now thinking that even the process of discussing it will be so growth-inducing for me no matter what the ultimate decision is.
i don't agree with one-size-fits-all rules. there are always exceptions and to ignore them is a situation where, as the books says, "boundaries betray us." the painful part is when one person wants one thing, and the other wants another.
i hope this will not happen between us. either we'll both agree not to pursue it, or we'll both want to pursue it. i have a strong sense that we will come to a decision together, that the process will reveal to us what to do.
lastly, i recently read an article about transference where it said that the POSSIBILITY for a future relationship with one's therapist is essential to letting go of the transference, b/c otherwise the therapist always remains the carrier of greater consciousness. the client will always feel that the therapist has something that the client needs (though of course it's not true). it talked about these clubs that freud and jung used to have where they'd "hang out" with their former clients, where they recognized that some kind of continuing relationship was important. (and we all know how rigid Freud was).
the article said something like, "what if the relationship itself becomes as important as the therapy? how is one motivated to get better if the person knows it will mean the end of what has become a very important and loving relationship in their life?" i think that's a very good question. this article was a very psycho-analytic oriented article, so this discussion surprised me b/c psychoanalysis is so conservative, but it made complete sense to me and resonated 100% with me and my relationship with my therapist.
i just think that, as i said, rules are meant for the majority, and they are important, but for a small minority they simply might not fit the very human and individual relationship that develops between two people. (there HAVE been successful marriages between therapist and client though it's very unusual. yet for those few couples, it works.) we must be very cautious in both directions. not to let boundaries betray us by being so rigid that the true nature of the relationship is denied, or to let the boundaries be so soft that harmful or even abusive violations occur.
that's my two cents.
okay i guess it was more like 20 cents.
but i have to say i get furious when i read about some of the situations here on this list where therapists have cut off their clients. it makes me feel so much pain inside. there has to be more flexibility in the profession, such as gradual termination or perhaps limited but continued contact until the client feels ready to make the full break. or maybe it's never a full break, maybe it's a phone call a few times a year to say hi. what is so wrong with that? aren't we human beings?and we can get to that place eventually if it's at our own pace, i fully believe that. it is happening with me and i was very dependent upon my therapist. yet i am the one who has initiated termination. i am finally ready. and once again i will say THANK GOODNESS my therapist had the courage to let it happen at my pace and not cut me off as her colleagues felt she should (and they all define themselves as feminist therapists!). and my readiness developed the more my therapist opened up and became more genuine with me about her thoughts and feelings. i asked her to start doing this so many times. i was ready. i was ready to let go of the ideal, and of the transference. she felt like she would be crossing boundaries but as she did it little by little, she saw how helpful and healing it was to me.
there's more than one way to slice a cake, or skin a rat, or whatever they say.
okay i'm off my soapbox.
just some more food for thought.
LG04
poster:LG04
thread:493094
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050513/msgs/498779.html