Posted by shrinking violet on April 24, 2005, at 17:19:26
My T is on my mind a lot this weekend.....I hope she's all right. I hope my asking her about her injury didn't upset her. I hope she isn't feeling badly about leaving her mom today (something personal she told me yesterday, won't say more here). I wish I had hugged her yesterday. I hope she can feel me thinking about her now.....I wish I could let her know that she's on my mind.
And I'm caught in between.....In that place where I feel like I'm breaking down, and part of me needs to TELL someone, reach out, not for help, but just to get it out of myself, sort of like bleeding an infected wound. But the other part knows it's futile, it's better to keep it to myself, quietly plan, decide once and for all what I need to do, then do it, and not give anyone reason to blame themselves. Besides, I don't want to get locked up....that's worse than death, I think. And it's so late in the game....how can I be so honest with my T, etc, now, with only a couple more weeks to go before I lose my treatment team? And I don't want to seem manipulative....I think they already think I'm losing weight, and cutting again, etc, just to "get back at them" or try to manipulate the termination in some way.....I wish that's all it were.
I'm tired of crying, and hurting, and being alone, and awake.
And being a bother to everyone.....
:*-( Ouch.
{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}} to everyone who is hurting today.
poster:shrinking violet
thread:488877
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050420/msgs/488877.html