Posted by Shortelise on April 24, 2005, at 12:50:13
In reply to Re: what did T mean? » Shortelise, posted by Dinah on April 23, 2005, at 21:53:21
It felt like he was telling me he wouldn't be as kind, or as nurturing.
It's funny, but I feel pretty happy. My garden is filling my heart, tiny leaves are popping out of the ground, plants I've put in are strong and healthy for the most part, and the lilacs I planted over the past two years are covered in fragrant, beautiful blooms. I've got work I a m happy with, friends who bring enrich my life, and a small family of a husband and two cats who fill my heart and home.
THen there is this other side, this side that is underneath it all, this thing, this "bete noire" that I've struggled with in therapy, and that lives on in therapy. Maybe that's it. Maybe in continuing to see him I am prolonging the life of the bete noire, instead of laying it to rest?
That's interesting and I think, by Google, that it may be where he and I are diverging. He thinks my attachment is to him, and it is to an extent - but part of it is an attachment to the depression and self-loathing that has been part of my life all of my life - until now. When I walk away from him, from my T, I am also admitting that the bete noire is diminished, and I have to be someone wihout it.
These ideas are coming out of my fingers as I write, with no forethought. For give me as I continue, but I see now there are two things going on for me here - one is the loss of his "care" and the other is the loss of my demons.
Thanks Dinah. I want to grow, I want to grow as my garden does, in a tangle of colour and roots, leaves and branches, up to the sky, and into the ground.
ShortE
poster:Shortelise
thread:488534
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050420/msgs/488782.html