Posted by pinkeye on April 19, 2005, at 19:02:00
In reply to Re: Women and ADD (Long), posted by Susan47 on April 19, 2005, at 18:51:49
One thing that strikes me a lot from your post is that somehow, you lack a basic self fulfillment and life force a lot. I think that is the need he fulfilled for you, and that is why you are finding it exceptionally difficult to let go of..
Your words are pretty powerful and I get the feeling that somehow you derive the basic life force and a desire to live from him. Actually it is a thing that people get from God usually all the time - when they are going through a rough period and not able to sustain themselves by themselves. I think since you said you don't believe in God, you are kind of substituting your T for that position. That is why he means so much to you.
Nobody can be all alone for days togehter and be completely ok about it. Not even the most self fulfilled person. WE all need others and a society and other reasons to live for - beyond ourselves. The fact that you are living all by yourself is adding to this problem. Try to get a roommate, or a cat or a dog - something to give you company and meaning everyday.
> I think I agree. The best thing I can ever do for myself is forget I ever met this person ... for now. Somehow. Sheesh, I don't even know what category to put him in. Like, a real person but not a real person, you know? That's the way he was, I never had the opportunity to experience any therapist or physician as a real person. They have these little thrones that are either self-erected or erected by society .. it's a little thing that says "Keep Off".
> I really hate what happened to me in that therapy relationship. I just was not the person I want to be, you know? It's just incredibly stupid to have feelings for someone you don't know. Yet there're still times when I think about him, physically, and his aura, you know, the way he is, and I just think, well this is going to sound psycho, I know that, but it feels like I'd been waiting for him my whole life, you know? And that somehow I'll take him to my deathbed, I mean, his essence, you know, I really believe that somehow, some way, he communicated the essence of himself to me, and I vibrated back to that. But the inequality of the situation and the strictures around everything just about drove me nuts. Well, it did, really. For a long time.
> I hope I'm getting better, now.
> I'm feeling a bit stronger at times, than I ever have before.
> But unfortunately, it still doesn't take much to bring me down.
> My greatest wish in life, my greatest desire, is to okay with myself.
> To be able to be completely alone, for days at a time, and never feel abandoned. Or lonely. To carry the love I learned how to hold, to carry that love eternally until I die.. and he was the way. I know that sounds so out there, but I hope it's true. I will it to be true, because I have to. Without the feeling of love that I was able to capture from this person, I'll die. I will. I know that. This is so long, too long.
poster:pinkeye
thread:486419
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050409/msgs/486600.html