Posted by littleone on April 17, 2005, at 21:41:04
Lately I've noticed that I seem to be getting more attached to my T judging from some stuff I think/do/say. I journalled about it on Saturday but have a real aversion to actually giving it to him like I normally would. Guess 'cause it makes me feel so vulnerable. Scares the socks off me.
Then on Sunday night I had dinner with my mum and some of my aunties. I've pretty much cut myself off from my family for the time being, so this was really unusual. Anyway, my mum was really warm and welcoming and even touched my elbow as I walked in. Normally she is nothing like that, usually more reserved, distant, doesn't touch, etc.
Then on the way home I started thinking how I hate the way my T tries to make out my mum was abusive and how he tries to turn me against her. And then I started thinking how I'm probably not that screwed up anyway. It's all just exagerated because I'm so internally focused. That I'd start doing better without therapy.
But the awful thing is that I can kind of see that by getting closer to my T and feeling more vulnerable makes me want to run away. And because my mum was so nice, it's like I want to run back to her so I can get away from my T. And the stuff about not needing therapy is just my mind trying to convince me to do a runner. Which of course means I have to stay :(
So anyway, on Sunday night I wrote out a heap of stuff about how nice my mum was and how much I want to leave my T. And I can give my T that okay. But for it to all really make sense to him, I should be giving him the earlier stuff about how much more attached I was getting to him. But there's no way on earth I want to do that.
Which I know means I should, but *sigh*. It all makes me want to just give him nothing, but that always kind of rings alarm bells for him and makes him start asking to see my journal. It's bad enough giving him photocopies of the stuff I write. I hate having him actually peeking around in the journal itself.
I don't like feeling vulnerable. Don't even know why I feel like that. I *know* he won't treat me badly. I *know* that the feeling is all just based on crap from my childhood. I just hate it how *knowing* that doesn't make any difference at all. It still feels bad anyway.
poster:littleone
thread:485658
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050409/msgs/485658.html