Posted by daisym on March 28, 2005, at 23:57:40
In reply to Daisy, let us know you're okay, posted by messadivoce on March 28, 2005, at 18:56:18
I'm hanging in there. Thanks for worrying. I'm going through a really tough time, it is very hard to explain it all. Therapy has meant intense crying sessions for me, trying to understand HOW this happened and why no one cared enough to make it stop. I know without question that my older brother knew and I've been tortured with the idea lately that my mother knew too. I'll never know for sure, but either way -- how could a mom *not* know? Either I wasn't worth saving or I wasn't worth noticing. It is so hard for me to reconcile all of this with the "typical" middle-class family we appeared to be.
The thing that has sent me to the edge is that I'm discovering what appears to be anger -- dangerous rage that scares the crud out of me. There was an *incident* Friday night and I'm having a very, very hard time forgiving myself and allowing the anger to be justified. (Not with my children, Thank God.) I'm terrified of who I'm becoming and what might come next. I was definitely suicidal for most of the weekend.
I made myself tell my therapist all of this today. He sits calmly and nods his head and speaks gently as I sob. He says it has been building, he's seen it peek out. He tells me we will deal with it together. He says not to worry if it spills on him, he isn't afraid of it. He says no matter what, he won't leave me. He told me this wasn't the time to pull back, to leave therapy, which was what I thought I should do.
Mostly, he is worried about the middle of the night suicidal, pity-parties. I told him that I didn't think the needs of my youngest child were strong enough to hold me here this time. And I didn't think that all the parts of me would adhere to the promise to call him first. That dying was better than becoming an angry, hurtful, horrible monster. I refuse to be that. So tomorrow we will talk about a "no-harm contract" (?) which I've not had before, and tonight I agreed to a double dose of sleeping pills to help me sleep through the night.
I don't really know what to do with all of this. I feel caught up in a funnel cloud, emotions swirling all around me, about to be dropped in Oz and face the wicked witch. Only the wicked witch is me...
I'm sorry to be so needy and not helpful. I'm open to suggestion. Thanks for all the hugs above.
poster:daisym
thread:476889
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050315/msgs/477018.html