Posted by messadivoce on March 5, 2005, at 2:22:28
In reply to Sad week :-(, posted by messadivoce on March 4, 2005, at 2:34:52
Guys I feel so strange right now. We had the opening night of our show tonight and I'm coming down off of that high...things went really well. We are doing a double bill of Dido and Aenas (Purcell) and Orfeo ed Euridce (Gluck). We run Fri-Sat-Sun, which is emotionally taxing. No nights off.
My relationship with my director is strange. I know I've been seeking his approval for the past 4 years, and unlike most singers, I have a fragile ego. I have always sought male approval...and with him especially since we work together so much. I never know what he thinks of me. I gave probably my best performance ever tonight and there wasn't much feedback...in this crazy business they say if there's no feedback then you're doing well, but I sometimes need to know I'm doing well. And I didn't get that tonight.
My ex T came to my junior recital last year, which was incredible special. Unlike my director, of course, he was not music savvy at all. But when I saw him the day after at my session, he couldn't stop saying how much he enjoyed it, how good I was onstage, etc. It was everything I needed. Just to stand onstage at my recital and see him grinning from ear to ear in the last seat of the back row was enough. I always put out such huge pieces of my heart onstage, and I know that my ex T was accepting of all of that.
I guess that's how it feels with my director, that I'm putting my heart out there and he doesn't care. Or that he thinks I'm dumb or something. I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but it does. Enough about him......
On a different note, I am at 3 weeks with no therapy and I'm starting to really feel it. I feel so fragmented, like I'll fly to pieces. My "current" T will be coming to the show tomorrow or Sunday, but I won't get to really talk to her. I miss her. I never realized what an anchoring effect being in therapy had on me. I'm just so frightened at this point...I'll be graduating in May, moving back home, trying to find a way to marry my honey ($$$ are an issue), trying to learn to live with my folks again, find a job, on and on.
I know what's doing this to me. It's this d@mn show. And people wonder why singers are in therapy their whole lives.
I miss my Ts. So much. I'm trying to hold myself but it's not working. I feel like I'm asking you all to physically hold me up.
poster:messadivoce
thread:466311
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050225/msgs/466808.html