Posted by Dinah on February 18, 2005, at 22:37:41
In reply to Re: Therapist offered, but I refused. » Dinah, posted by mair on February 18, 2005, at 17:51:43
Mair, it certainly occurred to me that that would be one reason not to accept his offer. I'd never feel free to mention anything involving spending money again for fear of what would run through his mind.
And definitely today shook my perceptions of our relationship a bit, as it would never have occurred to me that he would make an offer like that. I think he does really care about me.
But I also think there are a lot of issues wrapped up in money.
I think I like feeling that I'm entitled to good service because I'm paying good money, about one and a half times what he gets for much of his work.
I think I like feeling like I'm giving to him in the only way I can, monetarily. Because the therapeutic relationship is for my benefit. And while I suppose I try to please him in non-monetary ways, it's the monetary ways that I feel most certain that I'm succeeding at.
I think to some extent I like feeling the resentment I feel over paying more than many of his clients, because it gives me a reason to keep a certain distance. There's altogether too little distance on my part, and anything that helps that has to be good.
And maybe as much as I want to believe he really does care for me (and as much as he is beginning to convince me), there is another part that's putting up red lights and sirens. It's not safe to believe someone cares about you, because it increases the chance that you'll be hurt. And truthfully, he'll never care about me as much as I care about him, and I am going to be hurt from time to time about that.
Perhaps most of all, I want him to like me and feel positive feelings about me. I don't think that's an ongoing issue in my life. Quite the contrary. But I think from time to time I care about someone in a nonreciprocal sort of way, and that leads me to want to please them. Playing the parent/child scenario over and over again. The sad part is that I like that scenario. It made me feel safe.
I think a lot of the last part is caught up in that concept of "amae" I'm so excited about in "The Anatomy of Dependency". (Watch I end up hating the book and eating my words.)
And I'll bet there are layers and layers that haven't even occurred to me yet. Money is very very meaningful.
But naturally, I'm not going to discuss any of this with my therapist. :)
poster:Dinah
thread:460038
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050218/msgs/460202.html