Posted by Susan47 on February 12, 2005, at 0:05:09
On nights like this, I would phone up my therapist's answering machine and I would rant and rave about the fact that I was feeling too attached,I hated it, this was wrong, it was sick, what a sick relationship this was. I never had the sense to just call during office hours, and say, "I miss you terribly, and I'm feeling vulnerable and attached. What can you say that might help me?" Did I ever do that?
I came close, once. I called and confessed that I'd developed a terrible crush on him. And his response was pleasant and kind, and, "Oh, we all do that, don't we?" And I felt incredibly foolish for having the temerity to bring it up at all, only I didn't like the enslaved feeling a crush gives you and I was hoping he'd magically say something that would take the enslavement away, but what he said didn't relieve me or make me feel any better it just prolonged my agony because now I'd actually heard his real live voice and I realized I had no excuse or reason to see him until I could make another appointment, which I couldn't do ...Right now, he's standing at the window, looking out and saying "Oh, gee," or "Geez" or something in his nice, softly wondering way. He has deer eyes, the eyes of a buck.
On nights like this, I had to play out my tantrums and my rages. They hid my fear from myself; I wonder if they hid it from him too, or did he know? Was he ever able to even think past the rages I inflicted on him?
I fought attachment as though it were the worst thing that could happen.
A self-fulfilled prophecy. Only a little help needed.
poster:Susan47
thread:456621
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050211/msgs/456621.html