Posted by Klokka on February 5, 2005, at 23:05:05
I haven't posted here for a while, mostly because writing about things has felt futile ever since the shock over the death of my cat in August faded. It still does, but I thought I'd try again.
This past month has been very strange. In one sense, I've been doing much, much better. I'm on a low dose of medication, and have been using a lightbox (I have SAD) regularly, both of which seem to help a good deal. My mood and energy are much better than they usually are this time of year. I'm actually optimistic about the coming semester, which just plain hasn't happened before. I've been in a relationship for a couple of months now, and that's working out fairly well. On the other hand... I've been all but unable to speak openly to my pdoc (and for that matter, to others), but at the same time I feel somehow like I need to be taken care of - I'm not sure in what sense - only I can't reach out and I don't know why. The future seems bleaker than it has in a long time; I'm acting as though I'm going to succeed in certain areas of my life (education, being able to be in a stable, loving relationship, etc.) and yet the future in those very areas seems irrevocably bleak. I've been feeling somewhat childlike, though I can't quite put my finger on why that is... and helpless and as though I've been forced into a situation I can't handle. I don't honestly believe that I'll ever get better, and yet I can't figure out what it is that I need to get better from in the first place.
A recent incident really threw me off balance. I was at my boyfriend's house, working on homework, turning him into a human pillow as I usually do. :p After a while, we finished what we were working on, and just sat there together for some time. I suddenly felt very uncomfortable after a few comments he made, but I ignored it since that didn't make much sense to me... the comments were fairly innocuous and I've had no problem with them before. All the same, he ended up telling me I was pretty, in response to which I froze and eventually tried to make light of the situation and told him he was crazy. He then said "I don't hug/kiss ugly girls" and kissed my neck... at this point my discomfort must have been somewhat evident because he asked why I seemed uncomfortable. By this last statement it was as though I was just observing what was going on and not really involved, and it wasn't him, either, it was something else altogether. Somewhere in the midst of that I recalled that we both have fairly strict boundaries in regards to physical contact for personal reasons and were pretty much running up against them, and moved away. He asked if things had gone too far, and that's all I could tell him. (It was partly true, but mostly an excuse, I think.)
I know it's not a big deal, but it was really distressing and just plain unusual. I'm very comfortable around my boyfriend, except perhaps for when I'm not feeling so well and need to talk but don't know how to tell him. (He doesn't quite understand all the time, but will listen and provide what comfort he can.) As far as the incident's impact on the relationship goes, it really wasn't a big deal. He was very respectful about it, we were able to talk about what had happened and how we could keep it from happening again, and on the whole I think our relationship is stronger since we dealt with it. I've seen him a few times since then, and things are back to normal.
I just don't understand what happened. The discomfort I felt (and feel upon recalling it) is absolutely not warranted by the circumstances. We didn't go too far even by our own standards; it was only that in the situation we were in (sitting together on the couch, alone in the house), it would have been all too easy to do so. It felt like I was being reminded of something, but nothing of the sort has ever happened to me, so how could that be? None of this makes any sense to me.
I haven't spoken to my pdoc about this yet, as he was away at a conference when it happened, or I would have called the next day. I don't know how I'm going to manage to tell him this. It seems so ridiculous and shameful, and I can't even explain any of it. I'm probably going to end up bringing this post in, and even then, I don't know if I'll be able to keep talking about it. The problem I've had with talking to him got better during our last session, but I'm not sure it's better enough. Any thoughts on this? I really don't know what's going on.
poster:Klokka
thread:453821
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050129/msgs/453821.html