Posted by rubenstein on January 28, 2005, at 13:06:43
I wrote this so-called thought journal after my difficult session yesterday. I think I am going to have him read it at our next meeting (any thoughts)
rubenstein
I felt weird after yesterday’s session. I don’t think that I was able to articulate my feelings very well and it really frustrated me. Of course relationships are complex, but the therapist/patient relationship just totally confuses me. I am so wrapped into what I should feel that I feel almost paralyzed to feel what it is that I really do feel. Which is what? I guess first I should mention what I am afraid of… I am afraid of being too needy, I am afraid of disappointing my T, I am afraid that I will be a burden, I am afraid that he won’t see me anymore before I am ready to handle it, I am afraid that all of these perfectionist (perfect client) ideas will get in the way of me getting better. But what do I feel about my T?? I feel gratitude, I feel safe when I am there, I feel vulnerable, I like him, and I like how he challenges my beliefs about myself. Sometimes I feel that he is frustrated with me and that because of that he doesn’t like me. Although I know those are probably my own distortions of the situation, I still feel that way. I also feel as if he wants me to be mad at him sometimes or something. Yes, I am human, and yes I often ignore my anger emotions, but why would I get angry at the one person who is trying to help me? I was thinking maybe that it is okay to be needy for a while, to be a little dependent on someone until I can find my footing again. Obviously, the whole will-power not cutting thing is not working out for me. Perhaps if I just let go and stopped worrying about these issues, if I just trusted more, trusted God, my friends, my T, those that are trying to help me…perhaps then this cycle of self-destruction would begin to end.
I feel that I am at a turning point with these issues. I can choose to accept myself and deal with that or I can choose to further destroy myself. I hope I choose the former, but I am not sure how to do that. It sounds so easy, to not cut, to not think about killing yourself every hour of the day, to just live… It’s not that easy for me… but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. I am sure there is some way to commit to this before I find out about my audition, but frankly I can’t figure that one out. I guess it all comes down to that seemingly elusive term to me…grace…acceptance…forgiveness…I wish it was as easy to change what you feel as it is to change what you think. I used to think that you had to hit bottom before you found the light again. The bottom has been in sight for a while now, I hope I can find the courage to find the light again.
rubenstein
poster:rubenstein
thread:449204
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050122/msgs/449204.html