Posted by Dinah on January 24, 2005, at 18:26:49
In reply to Re: Feeling guilty » Dinah, posted by Poet on January 24, 2005, at 17:36:10
We talked about it today. It was one of those warm backlit sort of sessions. I started out by apologizing for making him feel uncomfortable. And as he started to protest that while CYA was part of his concern, it wasn't anywhere near all of it, I told him that I knew that. That he had proved it by leaving his A partly un-C'd, at least by his reckoning.
He was really honest about it. He said that most of the therapists he respects would tell their clients that they couldn't work under that sort of condition of worry. That the client would have to give more concrete guarantees of safety than I was willing to give. And that he walked a fine line with me. Wanting to balance assuring my safety with honoring my wishes.
I told him how much I appreciated him not threatening to abandon me as a tool to obtain my compliance. And repeated how sorry I was to have caused him distress. And he fussed at me for apologizing more than once. :) And I told him that I was trying to say something more, but couldn't figure out what it was. I finally settled on thanking him for caring enough about me to take a risk for me.
It really is true. He knows what abandonment means to me and he never even hinted that he would abandon me. He managed to continue to reassure me that he would not. (He did use our relationship to try to get me to do what he wanted, but not by threatening abandonment.)
We only touched a bit on the actual problem today, as I was more in an interpersonal mode than a problem solving mode. We reserved tomorrow for that. He drew me a square with four parts. One part was the part of me that I knew and didn't mind others knowing, one part was the part of me that I knew and others didn't because I didn't choose to share. One part was the part of me that neither I nor others knew, the unconscious I guess. And one part was the part that others knew about me, but that I didn't know about myself. He says we're going to work on that part, the distorted perceptions that are leading to my distress, in his opinion.
I don't know. I just know that it was a good session. The problems are still there. But we'll work on that tomorrow.
I'm willing to acknowledge that he really does care about me, and I hope you can accept that about your therapist as well. I don't suppose that means that we always appreciate how they show their caring. :)
He said he didn't think that he needed the permission to speak to my pdoc today. It really hurt our relationship when he had a working relationship with my pdoc and they discussed me. I don't want to risk that happening again. Of course, prior pdoc had a biiiig mouth. And he knows my husband well enough that I don't think he'd call him unless I really really wouldn't promise anything at all. I don't think I'm that stupid. But at the moment, I'm more or less willing to walk through coals to please him. I'm not sure if that's how therapy is supposed to work.....
(I'm sorry you're feeling poorly as well. If it would help to talk, I'll be taking work breaks and can listen.)
poster:Dinah
thread:446133
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050122/msgs/446997.html