Posted by Susan47 on January 12, 2005, at 20:14:23
In reply to Re: Therapy » Susan47, posted by annierose on January 12, 2005, at 17:50:08
You don't know the half of it. Nobody does. Pain is something I have to walk through barefoot with no protection. There is no protection from pain. When the pain is caused by my own self, that must be the worst. When I've allowed myself to live in a netherworld of drugs and euphoria and acted out all the slef-loathing of my childhood with a person I loved and respected and that person turned around and his soul virtually SCREAMED at me to STOP, (my therapist), the pain bit me in the face.
I feel like I'll never smile again, I'll never have a reason to. I certainly don't know how to love. I'm so incredibly needy, when I allow myself to be who I really am. Is it who I am? I don't know.Pain just is; it exists and it takes a h*ll of a lot of courage to allow myself to feel it.
THe antidepressant I took last year completely disallowed the reality of my situation to be with me.
Does anybody reading this understand? Do I really understand? I think I do, then a cloud of uncertainty settles over me and I only can cry.How did this happen? How did I allow myself to be what I've always hidden from the world, and how did I make another person so disgusted with me that I hate myself too?
I'm sorry, I'm just no good right now. Forgive me, but I am going to post this, knowing what a dreadful negative thing it is.
poster:Susan47
thread:440700
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050111/msgs/441343.html