Posted by pretty_paints on January 10, 2005, at 12:18:30
Hi guys,
I feel a little bit stuck. I am on the following meds: Venlafaxine, Mirtazapine, Quetiapine.
The two main problems: depression and psychosis.
Right, well I am feeling a lot less depressed than this time last year when I was busy having a breakdown. Anxiety is also a lot less. I have temporarily postponed Uni until I am better and have now been out 1 year and a term. There was never any MAJOR cause for all of this (no history of abuse, bad childhood, other problems).
On the psychosis, well I am a lot calmer. Since starting AP's, a LOT more has slotted into place. Can't believe how far removed my thinking got. So I am no longer acting "crazy".
However, still I don't seem to be back in "real life". I have been seeing a psychotherapist since June 04, at first twice a week and now once a week. Nothing there has been "recovered", nothing deep that I repressed or whatever. Yes there have been some issues from childhood, but no more than the norm. A lot of the problems have come, I think, from the fact that I was mildly psychotic for a good few years before I had a full blown episode. Therefore, while my thinking wasn't totally off the scale, it was slightly skewed (sp?) in that I did things for the wrong reasons. I asigned meaning to things which had no meaning, and I decided upon things in my life, what guys to date, what boyfriends to have, what clothes to wear, what degree to do, what Uni to choose, which weren't exactly what I wanted. I chose things to fit a different criteria. So therapy is helping me sort all that out a lot.
Anyway. My pdoc is in hospital at the moment, which sucks. I had a completely crap junior doctor the last time I went down, who was completely incompetent and left me in tears. Now I am going on thursday to see the consultant.
My family does not agree that this drug (Quetiapine) is working for me. They think I have too much paranoia still, that I am accusing people of things they haven't done or that they're not thinking. In my mind, I don't see me being that paranoid. I believe the things I see in my family to be true. If just one of my family was saying it, maybe I could dismiss it, but they're all saying it. So now I am saying, maybe they can see something I can't.
I totally don't know what to say to the consultant. All she'll say is "how have things been?". Fine, I'll answer. I can't answer about specific thoughts which are thought to be "psychotic" because I don't know which of my thoughts are the truth and which arn't, do I! I don't know if this drug is working for me or not. It certainly has cleared my head A LOT, but still I am unhappy and confused about a lot of things.
On top of that, my dose (750mg) is knocking me out. I take 3 tabs before bed (fine), then wake up, then take 2 in the morning and they zonk me out for a good 6 hours, so I wake up in the middle of the afternoon. I don't want her just to decrease the dose of these pills, as I felt BAD up until the last increase, and don't want to go back to feeling even more confused and bad.
Also, along with this, one of my problems was that I had this relationship which I thought was a huge part of my life. It wasn't exactly a "psychotic" thought. I don't know what it was really, but basically I had this huge relationship in my head and all the feelings to go along with it, but really there was nothing there. It was a relationship that ended 5 years ago, and I've hardly spoken to the guy since. I thought I was in love with him still, I thought all of these things that he was doing and why he was doing them, and came up with all these theories about why he hadn't been in touch and what he was trying to tell me. Etc etc. It was all totally out of control, it was a fantasy. When I started on the AP's, I don't know why, but I started to see things for what they were. It was something quite small which finished years ago. It still hurts like crazy for me though, and I am still very very tied up with it in my head.
Anyway the point was, when I would talk to the pdoc, they would assume that this guy was my boyfriend, and this situation was real. Of course it wasn't really. So in the end, my parents spoke to my pdoc and told her how it really was.
But my worry is: this same situation can happen with any of the thoughts I have. The pdoc doesn't see how I am at home with everyone, then they ask how I am, I say fine and that my thoughts are fine, and then they think I'm ok and that the AP's are working well. And then I go back into my normal life, and of course things arn't ok at all.
How do I break this cycle??? I don't know what I'm supposed to talk about with my pdoc. What am I supposed to say? What should I bring up?
My mum has said that she would like to speak to the pdoc, do you think this is a good idea? Would it allow the pdoc to get a more accurate picture of things?
Anyhow, like I said, I just feel in a bit of a hole. The quetiapine I feel has helped IN A WAY, but others think it hasn't done that much. I am sleeping A LOT on it. Therapy is ticking along, and all my issues with this guy still remain. Although I can't work out whether they can be resolved by medication or by therapy. My hunch is that it is perhaps a medication thing, since the AP's I've tried in the past have so dramatically changed the way I feel about this guy. I do do Day Therapy. I do gardening on a monday, walking on a tuesday, art group on a wednesday. My normal therapy on a thursday and nothing on a friday. I also get taken out a lot by my nan and we do lots of little things, or sometimes by friends who have come back from Uni.
Anyway, if anyone has any ideas, they would be gratefully recieved. It just feels like I don't really know what to try next :o(
poster:pretty_paints
thread:440114
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050105/msgs/440114.html