Posted by milahra on January 3, 2005, at 8:40:13
Hi,
I know someone who, since he was a child, has been insular, fiercely self-protective by keeping things to himself and also by hiding bills etc out of sight rather than owning responsibility for them. Same for relationships. He is very good at meeting many women who want to "mother" and support him. He woos them and inevitably leaves them in emotional turmoil because his "caring" isn't real, but self-serving and immature to the point of being empty. I know that he is incapable of truly feeling love or remorse except where he is personally hurt the outcome. And then, inevitably, he is only sorry for the harm done to himself.
He has a very gentle, inoffensive style, winning friends on the basis of a "warmth" that is, in reality, a front for not ever having matured emotionally. He has come close to legal prosecution a number of times for not paying rent etc and has never learned from those experiences. He totally blames his inability to cope on his mother and father whom, it must be said, brought many of their own problems to bear on his rearing - including his mother's resentment for his being born, as well as the slow collapse of the marriage from that time.
After many years of turmoil in their marriage, and after a bitter divorce, his parents are now more at peace with each other, and are joined more by their concern - and anger :( - over their son than anything else. Otherwise, they lead separate lives. For all that what I say is true, as I understand it, I love the young man who I saw growing up alone and without the love and acceptance that others are lucky enough to receive. Like all the young women who are drawn into relationships with him on the basis of his vulnerability, I took him to heart as a child, and kept him there. Fortunately, my own state of mind is not dictated by his inability to function financially or emotionally. I would only like to see him "grow up" because he will never truly be happy until he does. Worse still, he will continue to make other unhappy while trying to survive in the way that he does.
There is no question in my mind that his upbringing did largely determine his emotional incapacity, but believing that doesn't help if he is able to use that alone to attribute all responsibility for his life. It is remarkable that he hasn't so far received criminal prosecution over unpayment of debts. I don't know how long that will go on. (Did 'Walter Mitty' ever have to face reality? - I never read the story) I want him to be able to face reality. The only thing that I can imagine helping him (*if* he can be convinced to do it! - or maybe court-ordered) is some kind of rehabilitation "camp" - similar to those run for teenagers in danger of going off the rails - where a rigid programme of teaching personal life-skills and interpersonal relating (in this case, for adults) might help him to experience what real responsibility and real relating are.
Does anyone know if there is, in Australia, anything like this kind of camp or social or therapeutic network that can help someone who is *so* resistant to living life genuinely?
I mention in my subject the word "psychopath" and I am afraid that the word fits him, even though he would run a mile rather than physically hurt someone. He *does* have a lot of unspent anger and, when strongly provoked, will hit his hand into a wall, or throw things, but defensively *not* sadistically. If there is reason to think that may *not* be a psychopath, it is because he is not, and never has been, sadistic. He doesn't take pleasure in others' pain. Not at all. He is in his thinking, well-intentioned and kind to people and to animals alike, notwithstanding his lack of empathy and inability to be responsible. His inability to *genuinely* empathize with the pain of others is my main concern for fearing that he might be a psychopath - but I don't know.
I am thinking of contacting a church somewhere near to him to see if they might offer the kind of rehabilitative opportunity for someone like him. Following church services has in the past facilitated the sort of "comforting" relationships that he has wanted and I believe he might attend such a church-based programme if it were done in the spirit of fellowship rather than therapy.
As you can see, it is a difficult problem and I would welcome any and all help at all.
Sorry this is sooo long!
Many thanks,
milahra
poster:milahra
thread:437155
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041228/msgs/437155.html