Posted by Shortelise on December 17, 2004, at 3:17:09
This week I have a gig in my chosen profession. The thing that kicked me into therapy was my inability to cope with the very high anxiety of my job. I work a few times a month for a few days.
It's very high stress work. I quit for a few years, but have slowly gone back to it.
So, working this week, thinking about it, not able to sleep. Think, ok, I'll just get through this stress, just feel it, try to use it to my advantage (at one o'clock in the moorning when I NEED to be sleeping? But the thought counts). THen I thought, but NO, if I can cope with the stress, I don't need my wonderful doc anymore, and I won't be able to see him anymore. VAROOOOM! Up went the anxiety. Then I thought, well, that's idiotic, the whole point of the finking exercise was to learn to cope. After six years, here I am wanting to vomit again. Aieeeee. Up went the anxiety. Is the man on the moon looks anxious, blame me - my anxiety was that high.
Took a nice fat sleeping pill and went to sleep. Called the doc the next day, told him about it. He said, very intelligently, don't worry about not coming here anymore, just deal with the work part. Do what you do at work, and it'll be good enough. You don't have to shine, he said, you just have to be good enough.
It worked liked a charm, and I so far have not fallen back into the anxiety. I just kept saying to myself, I just have to be good enough.
I feel like a finking idiot though. This childishness is pathetic. Why oh why oh why do I feel a need to stay in this place of dependancy? Is it because I feel safe here? I don't understand. And I am embarrassed. I don't mind too much being embarrassed, though.
Argh. Any insights?
Thanks
ShortE
PS The words "fink" and "finking" come from the children's book by Louise Fitzhughes, Harriet the Spy. It remains one of my all time favourite books. I figure if it's good enough for a book for ten year olds, it's good enough for psychobabble.
poster:Shortelise
thread:430657
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041210/msgs/430657.html