Posted by Dinah on December 10, 2004, at 21:04:18
In reply to Daisy? My therapist seems excited, posted by Dinah on December 8, 2004, at 7:56:11
His excitement seemed to have worn off by today. My therapist is rather extremely un*excitable as a rule - one of the things that appeals to me to tell you the truth.
I guess I do see why he would have been excited though. It sounds like one of those moments they have in movies and books.
I worked hard on my timeline, and he liked it, but it didn't yield any particularly exciting results. He liked that I left plenty of room in it to add things, and he wants me to continue writing in events as I remember them.
What I did was do two years to a legal size sheet, about half inch a month, with several columns, each having to do with a different part of life. I started it at birth, and ran it through high school. I got info from my baby book, my pediatric records, my school records, and my mother as well as my own recollections. Yes, I had already tracked down those other sources. But it helped to put them side by side on the time line.
The only new piece to the puzzle was the timing of my first period. My pediatrician wrote something like "Patient is unhappy about it. She doesn't want to grow up." Which struck me, since those are almost the exact words I use now. And very emphatically. I can't imagine I actually *told* my pediatrician that. I never told doctors anything.
Anyway, I was about 12 1/4. At my twelth birthday, I was not yet rational me and emotional me. By my 13th birthday, I was. That was the pivotal year. And though it happened later in the year than my first period, my therapist thinks that event was probably still important, given my preoccupation now with not growing up.
When you lay out all the information from various sources side by side, it all fits perfectly with my previous conjectures. Down to the dates of the Barbies.
The only thing that doesn't fit is the date of the photo I identify with. That photo was taken when I was 8. I identify less with the photos taken when I was 9, and not at all with the ones taken at 12. But if my theory is correct, the twelve year old photos would be almost precisely the time that I should most closely identify with. The last time I was a thinking and feeling being. So that doesn't make much sense.
My therapist has his theories on why it might be, even though it doesn't make sense. He told me a bit of it, although I didn't really understand what he was saying. But he wants me to be a detective and investigate the piece of the puzzle that doesn't fit. Figure out the why of it. Ask myself the question and see if I can come up with answers.
So far nothing. :)
And we had a bit of a disagreement. About whether 12 year old me looked like an older version of 8 year old me, or if they looked like two different girls. They look like two different girls to me. :( 9 year old me looks like an older version of 8 year old me. But 12 year old me doesn't. Although of course, I intellectually recognize that it was indeed me.
Sorry if this post doesn't make any sense. Sometimes I continue a conversation I've been having with myself, and forget that I haven't shared the rest of it. And I have trouble even reading posts this long right now. I can't imagine what a mess I must have made of writing one.
poster:Dinah
thread:426080
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041210/msgs/427470.html