Posted by Dinah on December 6, 2004, at 19:47:19
In reply to Re: Rod, here I am » 64bowtie, posted by Dinah on December 4, 2004, at 22:48:20
Reposted from Social
> You talked in your post about recognizing something new in my posts over the past little while. That affected me greatly, and I welcome your input when I try to explain.
>
> I have the ability to emotionally divorce the people I love - and I count Babble as a person for this purpose. A living entity of it's own.
>
> Now when I emotionally divorce someone, they generally like it. My relationship with them gets better. I no longer care passionately. I no longer care really at all. The people I used to love love it when I emotionally divorce them. Once I no longer care, I'm no longer hurt by their actions. So I no longer react with real anger. I'm calm and rational and probably nicer to be around.
>
> But I gain this by stopping caring about the person in question. And it bothers me that the people I care about would rather not have me care about them. They'd rather have me behave as a person who doesn't care about them behaves. Politely, superficially.
>
> In therapy, I've come to realize that I've done this with nearly every important person in my life until I was left with no real attachments at all.
>
> My therapist is the only person who wants me to care about him more than he wants me to be polite and superficial. He's the only one willing to fight to relationship with me. He's the only one who reaches out to me when I start to withdraw and pulls me kicking and screaming (so to speak) back into relationship. He's the only one who understands and responds positively when I take chances and fight to relationship with him. And I pay *him* $110 an hour to do this.
>
> So that makes me feel kind of bad. I was *sorry* when I emotionally divorced Babble. (Babble as an entity, not individual Babblers.) I *wanted* to keep a valuable connection to this place. I didn't *want* to have a polite and superficial relationship with Babble. But maybe because Babble is an entity rather than a person, or maybe for other reasons, I couldn't manage to engage Babble to fight to relationship. You know?
>
> But when I hear that my posts have gotten more gracious since I emotionally broke connection with this place, it reminds me of all the other people who prefer that I keep those emotional connections broken. And it makes me wonder what on earth is wrong with me that my "loved" ones aren't willing to fight to relationship with me. I suppose that doesn't apply to Babble, since it's an entity. I even asked Ms. Munro when she was here how to adapt techniques to an entity, but... Oh well. What I'm trying to say, and not succeeding, is that I have to pay someone to stay emotionally connected with me. And that stinks.
>
> You're welcome to comment as coach Rod if you wish. Or as Rod the human speaking from the heart.
poster:Dinah
thread:425424
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041203/msgs/425424.html