Posted by Dinah on October 22, 2004, at 15:55:21
I ended up telling him at the end of this session what I had failed to disclose last session. It bothered me too much that he might be upset with me. He of course had forgotten the question. :) And he said that on further reflection, he had realized that it was asking the impossible to ask for perfect honesty.
I didn't actually think he might terminate me. But I did think that he was weighing the option of threatening to terminate me because he knew how important the relationship was to me. He didn't exactly answer whether he had considered the option. He just smiled. But he did say that he *didn't* say it and that he wouldn't terminate me.
At any rate, he didn't seem too angry when I disclosed the relationship between the means and him. I of course made clear that the connection no longer served a purpose - that I had just never changed the precise plans. And I don't think he wants me to consider the matter enough to bother changing them, although I offered. It was upsetting that I couldn't read what he did feel. I didn't feel anger from him. He said he was taken aback, or at a loss or something.
Then in his infinitely charming manner, he told me I could think about my plans all day, although he didn't think it would be a profitable expense of time, as long as I didn't act on them.
I politely informed him that it would be more efficacious to disclose the effect my suicide would have on him than it would be to give me permission to ruminate all I liked.
And he did. All in terms of how upset he would be professionally. Feeling like a failure, etc. Sigh. So I politely asked if he'd feel anything about me. Sad, anything? The man really needs to work on his guilt induction. I respond rather well to guilt. But it's got to be done better than *that*. Perhaps I could send him to my mother or father for lessons. At any rate I eventually extracted something from him that I can use next time I feel on the edge. Like pulling teeth, I tell you. Good thing I'm not overly sensitive when I'm basically secure in a relationship.
Then he goes and gives me another reason to worry by telling me that if I killed myself it might cause him to leave the profession. A decent guilt inducer, I suppose. But now I have to worry about a host of other therapy clients taking my therapist away from me. I'll be asking him how his other clients are feeling for years!
poster:Dinah
thread:406041
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041016/msgs/406041.html