Posted by cubic_me on October 20, 2004, at 14:25:29
I had my last ever (I hope!) session with my therapist today. The following is an extract from my online journal:
It went pretty well, considering I've been seeing her for nearly 2 years. We generally went over all of the people that had been metaphorically 'in' the room over that time, and how things were going with them now. Looking back on things has really brought it home how much I've changed in a positive way. I'm 10x more confident and accepting of myself, I'm not ruled by what my parents (and other people) think of me, I've got a boyfriend who knows as much of me as anyone is ever going to know, and I'm not half as scared of admiting I have feelings as I was.
Of course when I started therapy I'd lost my best mate to suicide not 2 months before, and I was hurting beyond comprehension, but that was the excuse I needed to be able ask for the help that I had really needed since I was 13. If she hadn't died, who know's what state I'd be in by now. I suppose that's partly what made me go back to her office, week after week, to feel stupid, useless, dependent and inadequate (and like I wanted to hide under a big duvet in the corner of the room). Who'd have thought, from that description, that therapy could ever do anyone any good!
We discussed how suicidal I'd been, and I said how it had really helped to tell someone how I was feeling without them seeming petrified that I might walk out and into the path of a bus (although I often felt like it). She admitted that she was really worried about me at times, which is mightily sweet of her, and means quite a lot to me now I look back on it, especially as she seemed to understand just *how* close I was to acting on my thoughts.
Although I know that I am likely to encounter similar lows in the future, I know that I can get through them, and even though life isn't always rosey, I won't always feel suicidal. I have also learned, over the past 2 years, that asking for help isn't always weak, and people won't think less of me for it; and also that sometimes all of us are attention seeking because we *need* attention, and it isn't always a bad thing.
I would send this to her in the card I'm going to write to thank her, but that would be showing my feelings when no-one is sat there waiting for me to express them, and I'm still working that!
poster:cubic_me
thread:405190
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041016/msgs/405190.html