Posted by Aphrodite on October 19, 2004, at 16:13:57
I cannot believe I made it a year considering how many times I quit (3 times) and how many I wanted to (100+). It has been so painful and beautiful and everything in between. I now know why I've had chaos swirling in my head all these years due to the abuse and neglect of my life fragmenting me into different ages and states of underdevelopment. The knowledge doesn't end the pain, but it does help bring clarity to the situation.
My expectations about my therapist have been totally challenged. I expected a clinician, a detached doctor who would explain my distortions and my thinking, who would always ask what *I* thought things meant, and would teach me new skills. Surprisingly, I got more of a friend and ally who has been willing to get into the muck with me. He unabashedly and unapologetically gives me his opinions. He gets mad at me, snaps at me, he apologizes and owns his mistakes, he worries about me on his *own* time, he tears up at some of my tales of abuse, he tells me about his personal challenges -- in a word, he is real. Though it has been both joyful and hurtful to see his true reactions, I would be completely set up for failure if I did not experience genuine reactions and emotions to my authentic self, which has been hidden for so long.
So, on our "anniversary" I had planned to give him excerpts from my journal that I had compiled that stated all the gifts he has given me and detailed the good sessions we've had. Unfortunately, on that day, he was belatedly piqued by the fact I had gone to another psychologist for a second opinion. Originally, he had taken it well, and then he reconsidered;) Anyway, he was a little miffed and was taking a heavy hand and stating "this is how it's going to be" and he reviewed a laundry list of things gone wrong over the year. I teared up but decided to give him the present anyway. He seemed touched and ended the session saying we were stronger for all of our struggles, and he listed all of my assets. The following session was gentle and moving -- he was at his best, especially in talking to the younger part of me. He followed me in the parking lot after the session to say, "I know that two well-meaning caring people will ultimately prevail."
So, I embark on year two, and I am grateful for him and for all of the support of Babble. The ups and downs of the therapeutic relationship are just too much to bear alone.
poster:Aphrodite
thread:404821
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041016/msgs/404821.html