Posted by shrinking violet on October 14, 2004, at 19:04:53
Hi everyone,
I'm sorry for posting yet again. *sigh* I'm not even sure what I'm looking for here....maybe to figure out whether I'm right in feeling that my T is over her head with me, and that I did the right thing by leaving.
Just a bit of background for those of you who haven't followed the Continuing Drama....
....I see a LICSW at my University where I'm a grad student. I started therapy last July 2003; it's the first time I've ever been in therapy. I went mainly because of anxiety and depression, but I have an eating disorder also (anorexia) which I tend to minimize and I'm not sure I 100% want help for that yet.
My T and I have a pretty good relationship...but therapy tends to get in the way, sometime. We seem to have a fairly unique, close, and caring relationship. I've often wondered if she's too invested emotionally, if she might have some counter-transference issues going on (or maybe she just happens to be a very caring individual and wants to much to help people). I think she might be over her head in dealing with me; I have a lot of complex issues and I think she's more used to dealing with undergrads who have more surface issues. AND I tend to test her patience because it's so very hard for me to just talk to her (which, um, is pretty much what therapy is, or supposed to be). For a year we've arm-wrestled (her words); she tries to pull from me and I do all I can to shut her out (not consciously). I want more than anything to be able to give her what she needs from me, to be able to go in there and just talk about stuff, but I just can't. I have a lot of issues around talking/not talking, and I've NEVER talked about my inner stuff to anyone (it was never really allowed in my family at all). And I think those childhood issues, coupled with the eating disorder, makes for one numb and closed-off client, which makes it twice as hard.
I've quit a few times over the past year; usually because I get frustrated with myself, but each time my T calls or emails and talks me into going back. Sometimes she'll say things that hurt....She questions why I'm there, what I want, what I need, but I know she's frustrated and my silences bother her. But she tends to take things very personally (or at least reacts that way), especially any anger I may have (the one emotion I'm pretty comfortable with showing). She gets defensive, and she tends to always focus on my negative behaviors or actions (showing anger, or things I may say or write that she construes to mean more than I meant when I said them), and she rarely brings up the nice things I've done or say to her. She's very open in trying to show caring, but when I try to show it back she seems to never really acknowledge it, and then she'll later ask it from me. For example, last week I was in a car accident and had to cancel my appt. She emailed me on Thursday and asked how I was, said she was thinking of me and hoped I was okay. I thought that was very sweet of her, and wanted to tell her how much I needed to hear from her and how much her note meant to me. So I emailed her back on Friday. I saw her yesterday....she didn't mention the email I sent, but then she said that I could have thanked her for her note and said that I know she cares even though I say I think she doesn't. She's done this more than once and I dont get it....it's like she's asking me to care for her and to show it directly. She's actually asked me right out once that it would be nice to let her know once in a while that I think she's doing a
good job, and this was AFTER I had written a 3/4 page email to her thanking her and telling her how much our relationship meant to me (b/c the week before she said something about blaming herself for my being stuck and I felt badly that she felt that way).She just makes me feel worse about myself than I already do. She's pretty much confirming all of the crap I think about myself. I must be as horrid as I think I am if I provoke this kind of frustration in my T, right?
So last night, I went in. Here's just some of what she said to me:
"You make it impossible to help you, you make it impossible to leave you….it’s like nobody can figure out what to do with you.”
“You don’t talk to me, you don’t interact with me.”
[her] “You can get up, you can go to the door, you can sit there and get pissy at me –“
[me] “I’m not pissy, I just don’t know what to say.”
[her] “Well, did you hear what I said?”
[me] “Yeah.”
[her] “There’s been an awful lot going on in a year, and some of it you’ve kicked away each time. And then you’ve recoiled and said please let’s go back, let’s try again, and man do you get angry in the meantime, and throw lightning bolts around, about how we don’t know what we’re doing, we don’t do what we do well…”“From my vantage point as a therapist, you have a lot of complexities; I can tell you, you can understand everything that comes out of my mouth but you can’t engage with it. You won’t talk about it. You dismiss it, you make jokes about it, you tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about, you tell me you don’t feel like it, you tell me…I’ve heard it all from you.”
"See, I don’t think you want to do this work.”"Because you don’t say anything you sit there with all these feelings and then when you leave, you get pissed about them and you redirect them at everyone else but yourself….”
So, yeah, I emailed her last night and told her to cancel. She emailed me this morning and said she didn't it want it that way (yeah, right)and for me to reschedule when I'm ready. I think she thinks this is like the other thousand times I've cancelled and gone back, but not this time. I can't keep going there feeling like I cause her this much frustration and pain. I dont feel understood AT ALL. And she seems to take everything I say and twist it to mean something more hurtful and negative than I meant in the first place. It's like I can see my ugly self in her eyes, and I can't take it anymore. I'm not saying she doesn't have a right to get frustrated, and I know I'm responsible for all of this, but, she acts like I do it on purpose and I SWEAR TO GOD I dont. Right now I honestly think the only reason she kept trying to get me back those times I quit is so she wouldnt have to tell her director why I quit, and that she might have some role in it. I also think I shake her world up a little....she's been comfy, pretty confident in her profession, and maybe I cause her to question herself and I dont think she likes it.
I'm so hurt, and upset and frustrated.
I hate me sooo much. :-( Why cant I do anything right?
Sorry...I thought writing about it might help, or at least find out what others think and whether I'm overreacting or misjudging the situation. But all it did was upset me more.
Thanks for reading.
poster:shrinking violet
thread:403120
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041002/msgs/403120.html