Posted by Racer on October 2, 2004, at 14:04:59
I don't have it in me to give a full update, but I'll give you a little bit of a peek into the latest:
Yesterday, I got a copy of my chart from that agency. I'd requested it months ago, and it finally came yesterday. This is after a couple of other things that happened in the last two weeks that I won't go into here. (Not enough time, and too upset still.)
So, last night, I read through it. It confirmed that sense that I had that no one there was listenting to me -- in a big way. The therapists' notes bore little relationship to the sessions I sat through, for one thing. They were full of things like, "I validated her feelings of..." Sure you did, uh-huh, yep, you sure did. For one session, the intern-I-wasn't-informed-*was*-an-intern wrote that I "discussed my hx of sexual abuse" No mention at all that this "discussion" was only an illustration of a situation of *ongoing* emotional torture by the case manager there who was sending the same signals as the sexual abuser from my past. That was the POINT of that discussion -- NOT the sexual abuse from 30 years ago, and not even the sexual abuse per se. Just the emotional torture that led up to that SA, because the case manager was doing the same thing!
In fact, the only notes about that case manager were that Dr EyeCandy recommended that no change be made, because that would "send me the wrong signal" and "encourage my behavior." This assessment made because he was only hearing what the case manager had to say, and not what I had to say.
Now, it confirmed what I felt -- that no one there was listening to me.
Why do I feel so bad now? Why does it feel again as if it really is all my fault?
My husband is appalled, because the case manager -- a position that requires the equivalent of a high school education -- made some comments about my "axis II behavior", and that's when the whole thing went downhill. He says that, if my treatment there changed when an innuendo was made by an unqualified party, without any qualified diagnosis being made to support it, that is WRONG. But I'm still collapsing under it all.
Just for laughs, the Therapist From The Black Lagoon wrote that I "denied vomiting or undereating" during one session. Wanna know what really happened? She asked if I vomited? I said no. Then she asked, "Do you eat?" What the hell would anyone answer to that question??? "Of course I eat!" Well, that's what I said. And she dropped the subject like a hot potato to go back to why I wouldn't admit to having an Axis II diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder!
OK. Time to get offline and try to settle back down. Just thought I'd report on this and see what anyone else had to say about it all. (And DaisyM? I do mean to email you, but I'm not feeling all that communicative. If you wanted to drop me a line, that might light the fire though -- I'm responding to emails pretty well, just not making the first move these days.)
poster:Racer
thread:398295
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041002/msgs/398295.html