Posted by crazymaisie on September 30, 2004, at 23:15:42
argh
i hope i'll be able to make this make sense.
this kind of comes out of a number of threads above but i didn't want to hijack any of them.i have a good relationship with my T, at least i though i had. we both pretty sensitive types and i had been able to pick up on plenty of stuff she wasn't saying so it started to really bug me and i have been pushing her to be as honest as possible with me hoping it would make for a better relationship.
a few weeks ago she told me that she had been hurt by me being manipulative and i admitted that i had been testing her somewhat, though not consciously. she said it had made her angry with me and i apologised and said that i'd try to do better. then last week i had asked her something about her phone policy (sparked by a thread here, though i didn't tell her that, of course, i hope she never reads this) and this week she said that really i was only supposed to call in case of emergency. i got panicked by this (i had been calling in a casual kind of way over the last few weeks to clarify this point or that) so i asked if i was calling too much. she didn't say i had been in so many words but when i said that i was having an overreaction and i didn't want to talk about it any more this week, that maybe we could discuss it further next week she burst into tears and said that she hates hurting me and that she is sometimes afraid to say things to me in case she hurts me. i reassured her that i didn't think she was being unfair and she came up with a limit of one phone call per week. but then she said that if i stopped calling it would be hurtful. in part i'm feeling that i have brought this on myself and otherwise i'm just hurt and confused.
i have been asking myself, though, if this therapy is really going anywhere, other than create a relationship of its own. i had a dream i posted about recently and with all the openness and whatnot going on between us, i haven't been able to tell her (also she dealt badly with something the week before last which made me more cautious about telling her) i don't want to lose her as a person in my life, but i'm beginning to wonder if that's the only reason i'm showing up.
also i'm a bit annoyed because she has been urging me to rely on her and be less independent and just when i was coming to terms with some of that, i feel that she is saying that i'm needy and irritating - i'm pretty stubborn and independent by nature so it would be so easy to go back to indifferent and selfcontained.
i'm kind of confused. any advice very welcome.
thanksmaisie
poster:crazymaisie
thread:397675
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040925/msgs/397675.html